The No BS Life

I wrote the first draft of this post over a year ago. I've cleaned it up a bit but the post is very much a reflection of me in 2015; something I'm very proud of.

One of the best gifts I've ever received.

Begin:

The year of no BS.

I've been avoiding this post. It means so much to me that I couldn't even fathom where to begin.

It's July. Oh wait, no it's definitely August. I've been living the year of no bullshit since about December 2014. I can't pin point where it began but I began to say, "Year of no bullshit!"

I turned 29 last month, I've gone through my entire life up until this point very wrapped up in what others thought of me. How I was perceived. How I could control those perceptions. Then I had a major break through with my therapist -- I've spent most of my life controlling my mother's environment to make her happy that our relationship became too codependent and it was spilling into other aspects of my life. My relationship with my mother was suffering because of this. I was trying to control the uncontrollable. 

So I'm working to let that go. I can only control myself. I can only make myself happy.

This blog was a major stepping stone for me as well. Here I am forced to live in truth. You want to hear my struggles and you don't care that I'm sweating through it all. Together we're open and honest. For so long I was used to hiding having hyperhidrosis - making it only worse - and now I admit it fairly openly. The sweating will never go away but I'm far more comfortable in it and as a result I sweat a bit less. 

If you're familiar with comedian Pete Holmes he's a great example of living in truth. His podcast You Made It Weird became an outlet for him to talk about all his weird shit. Also an outlet for me to get some solid laughs as well as have 'holy shit' moments. We all have weird shit! He's a sweaty dude too. He doesn't fall in the hyperhidrosis category as far as I can tell but hey he's talking about being sweaty openly! He's a big ol soggy man sometimes. He talks about his divorce. His "JDates". Plenty of other quirky stuff. Thanks Petey boy! I'm a huge fan. 

Living the year of no bullshit has brought me so much joy. One of the biggest joys, excuse me while I tear up, is connecting with Daniel. My sweet pea, Daniel. We met through mutual friends (it's a way cuter story than that but only so much at once). Our first date, that I initiated mind you, started exactly like this:

We exchange greetings.

Sit down on bar stools.

Daniel blurts, "I want you to know I have no filter."

Amazed I say, "Well this is the year of no bullshit for me."

From that day forward we've held true to those statements. We've been dating, with highs and lows (no bs!), for almost seven months now. This being my longest relationship, Daniel has been very patient as I navigate being vulnerable and letting someone into my world. I had worked so hard recently to be happy alone, I truly was happy alone, it was hard to move into this new territory that was foreign to me.

The greatest aspect of our relationship is knowing we are not dependent on one another to make ourselves happy. I can only control myself. I can only make myself happy. With that obligation removed there is a divine levity to the relationship that makes spending time together so special. 

Daniel has taken it upon himself to find this blog. My heart jumped when I realized he took the time to find it. Google search must be doing the blog good! He's read about my past. There is no escaping my truth. (xoxo).

End.

p.s.

Daniel and I are still happily in love, best friends, roommates and continue to navigate the no bs life. It's funny to read about Pete Holmes because the topics he focuses on has evolved as well and I'm enjoying the progression of his "truthiness" life and his living/growing relationship with Sweet Val (his girlfriend/partner/best friend). 

You know what held me back from posting this for so long? I was waiting for the perfect picture to accompany it. I got the photo MONTHS ago but the post then got away from me. Anyone reading/read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic? I'm in the thick of that book now and it's a wonderful exploration of creativity. She describes that creativity has the ability to move through you and away from you to find another outlet to let that creativity be born. In a way my creativity and spirit for this blog left me, and for now it's back so I'm harnessing it. I have one more good post in me coming up...

I Don't Like Feet

"I don't like feet," is a lie I've become committed to. It's the excuse I give to wearing closed toe shoes and socks year-round, declining pedicures, and avoiding all foot touching from massages to playful tickling. 

My sock game. Wild.

Why do people like to touch feet?!

New fella I'm seeing went to grab my feet on our date this weekend. I had socks on but they were most definitely sweaty. I didn't know if the sweat had permeated through the cotton. It seemed a little early to reveal my sweaty feet. I didn't drop the HH bomb. 

I was kicking myself for not opening the sliding door adjacent to his couch. There was a cool breeze that night. Instead we cuddled up on his leather couch. I most definitely began to sweat because how can you not sweat on leather? I steadily became more uncomfortable as the night went on. I could not keep my cool-- all senses of the word.

Why do people like leather couches?!

When he grabbed at my feet I flinched and pulled away immediately. "I don't like feet," I said it a few times like a nervous tick. My confidence was plummeting. He laughed and asked if I had scary feet. Well, honestly, in my humble opinion I do. I did not admit that though, because they don't look scary they just have some fucked up qualities. He laughed saying that he was now afraid to see my feet. I laughed back but really I just wanted to run to his fridge and cool off and die a little inside. 

Luckily I did ask to open the sliding door later in the night. I was immediately freezing due to the sweat all over my body. It was a better alternative though and kept my sweating at bay. He didn't once comment on my dampness. Could he feel it? Were his hands clammy enough he didn't feel the sweat?

I've told you to "Speak up. It's OK." Shame on me for not heeding my own advice. Sliding door open, please!

My Big Secret Revealed

I did it. I finally did it. I told manfriend that I have hyperhidrosis. I'm hesitant to write this post since I also told him about the blog. If he's curious and does some basic web research he'll find me here. If you're reading this manfriend, hello, welcome to the blog. Don't worry, I will never use your real name. 

For sake of the blog being reader friendly I'll refer to manfriend as Hansel. 

Twice now I've thought about telling him about HH. For whatever reason it didn't feel quite right. Saturday night a combination of feeling secure in where we are in our relationship and wanting to open up to him made for the right HH bomb dropping conditions. There we were laying in bed having a nice time chatting. I was comfortable in his arms staring up to the ceiling when I said, "So I have something to share. I have hyperhidrosis. That's why I sweat so much." I went on to add that I've had ETS surgery and provided a quick summary of side effects I still suffer from.

This is how you should always picture us.
Moderately famous and good looking.

His response was not what I was expecting. He joked calling me a monster and told me to leave in his playful way. I was in no way offended by this but it wasn't the response I expected nor wanted. He was ready to move on to the next topic.

Wait wait wait just a hot strudel minute there my handsome Hansel. I'm not ready to move on to the next topic. I just told you my most crippling secret. LETS TALK ABOUT THIS. Instead of saying that I turned to my side and became very internal. My mind was running and I couldn't vocalize what I was feeling. A wave of emotion took over to the point where if I looked at him I was afraid I would start to cry.

He asked if I wanted to be left alone so that I could sleep. Hansel sincerely thought I was ready for slumber not that I was riding an emotional roller coaster. I mustered up some confidence to say that I was feeling shy and frankly weird after telling him. 

Then in a tender but very frank way he said, "Nothing has changed. You've told me before that you get sweaty. You're a sweaty girl. So now I know there is a name for it."

There you have it. Nothing has changed. The reveal that I was so ashamed of was simply a sharing moment. As it should be. 

Until of course summer rolls around and I don't want him to touch me because I'm most likely damp through my clothes. Ah! One step at a time though.

How have you told someone about HH? How did they react? 

My Boss Calls Me Snowflake

How do you deal with hyperhidrosis? There is no quick cure despite what Twitter spammers might claim. For every solution there seems to be a side effect. I had surgery but I still sweat uncontrollably. I can't control or manage my sweat as easy as I'd like, but I can take ownership and responsibility in making my environment comfortable.

My boss started calling me Snowflake. The main reason being I'm constantly seeking shade when we're out and about. 

Snowflake originated when my boss decided she wanted to pick up a HoneyBaked Ham the day before Thanksgiving this last November. I tagged along for the journey. For my American readers, have you tried to get a Honey Baked Ham before Thanksgiving or Christmas? It's pure madness. It's as if we are required to have succulent ham for the holidays. I suppose we are, but my goodness.

HoneyBaked Ham, where you can work on your sun tan.

So there we were standing in a long line. Of course the sun was beaming bright. I think I recall it being around 75. That damn sun was piercing the line with its deathly rays. I felt droplets of sweat forming. The feeling is a familiar one. It's a feeling that I know if it continues will lead to a sweat-stain-embarrassing-disaster.

To my boss I said, "I'm sweating. This sun. I don't know if I can take it."

My boss, "Here stay in the shade. Stay as long as you can." The shade was a small sliver of cool created by a pillar. The shade lasted only moments.

Then my boss suggested, "Go in the liquor store. Go cool off Snowflake. I don't want you to melt."
And that's when Snowflake was born. I'm never ashamed to request the seat in the shade, or request some ice water. "Snowflake, are you melting?," is a comforting phrase.

My coworkers have no clue I suffer from a specific condition called hyperhidrosis, but they know I sweat and that I "melt". They know I get uncomfortable. They're also awesome for accommodating to my sweaty needs.

If you own it, you might just get an awesome nickname out of it.

xoxo,
Snowflake

Manduka eKO Yoga Mat Review for Sweaty Feet

When I was a kid and it was time for Christmas wish lists I was notorious for detailed instructions. I provided envelopes to each family member that included clippings from newspaper ads. Working in marketing now I see that I was an advertisers dream come true. I was damn fortunate to have such an obliging family. 

Now it's not so cute or funny to provide such lists. Also, I need practical things. Like a $100 yoga mat from Manduka. 

I know. It's outrageous.

It was the only item on my list though... OK and my expensive Vitamin C daily moisturizer by Murad (it's amazing). I urged my family that if they felt inclined to provide anything else it must be either practical (toilet paper) or cash (no Starbucks gift cards). I would like to trade the rolling pin I got for some Windex. Oh well. You can't have it all.

After years of yoga and four mats that merely get the job done I have graduated to a mat that will hopefully last me a lifetime.

The Details
eKO Mat 71"
Color: "Swoon 2-tone" no longer available online.
The color is bright and I adore it. 

Let's take a moment.

Can you sweat on it?
Yes. A thousand times yes.

Will I slip on it?
Not nearly as much as a regular mat you might pick up at Target. I would still recommend bringing a towel to class.

I normally always use a towel on my mat. The other day in hot yoga with sweat pouring, my feet little rivers of sweat, I pulled the towel back and put my foot directly to the mat. I did not slip or slide at all. Warrior II, no problem. Crescent lunge, I got this.

It was an awesome experience to feel the mat during standing poses. The tactile sensation of my yoga mat gripping to my moves was so satisfying. eKO and I had a moment. 

Doing a down dog was another issue though. My hands no longer sweat but my hands still get damp from my arms and the condensation in the room. I began to slide a little bit to the point where I had to pull the towel forward.

At the end of the day you still need a towel. But, you can pull the towel back and have the exhilarating feeling of not slipping during certain poses. 

Crescent lunge and this lady is not slipping!
By the redness of my feet you know they were sweaty little dogs.

Things you should know:
1) It smells. I opened the packaging and it smelled like manure. Yes, that means it smelled like shit. The rubber is just potent. I urge Manduka to give their mats a good wash before putting them on the market. I've aired the mat out for a few weeks now and it still reeks. It's a little distracting during savasana.

2) It's heavy. I'm fine with that but don't plan on traveling with this mat.

Should I buy this mat?
If you are a seasoned yogi and looking to treat yourself then absolutely you should buy this mat. If you are just getting into yoga and you want to see if it's for you then I don't recommend. Also, if you're a yogi on-the-go you might want to consider one of their lighter mats.

What other products can help my yoga experience?
Did I mention that I am not being paid to write this? Because I'm not. I'm a Manduka fan gal. 
If you have some money to throw around, I also love Manduka's towels. They're similar to towels you can take camping or a thin ShamWow. If you don't want to splurge find a low ply towel. Not your fancy fluffy towels. You want something you can easily move on. A beach towel is your best bet. I personally also hate a towel that is too soft, the texture on my sweaty feet makes me squirm. 

Disney's Frozen for the Sweaty

It's screener season in Los Angeles. Friends and bosses of friends start receiving films in the mail to consider for awards season. It's a beautiful thing to watch new releases for free from the comfort of your own space. 

Last night the man friend and I watched Frozen at my request. I highly recommend this film to anyone with a soul. I'll warn the music isn't up to Disney classic standards. That said, I loved this film. My HH friends you will relate to this film.

Girl, I know that look.

I choked up when Elsa has her coronation to be queen. She wears gloves to mask her magical powers that torment her. Her hands tremble as she faces the crowd on what's supposed to be a joyous occasion. The anguish that almost paralyzes her is something we can all relate to with HH. How closely the story is tied to her hands is really something sweet for us. 

Also, Olaf is now one of my new favorite Disney characters. He gave me some hearty belly laughs. Thanks, Olaf you're the best. All things cheesy and delightful bring them my way.

More Olaf!

Although I was pumped to watch the film I wasn't the most relaxed to start. It was my last date night for a long while with man friend. We were a little frantic getting together since he completely forgot the actual date he was flying home for Christmas. He had planned for another day in LA while his plane ticket did not. So I rushed home and packed a bag to stay the night. 

I forgot to pack socks. Such an amateur move. How did I forget to pack SOCKS?! I threw on my lounge clothes and a pair of slip on shoes. It should be burned in my memory that when I lounge around I need to wear socks. This isn't a new revelation. I cannot have my feet dangling free. 

To top it off it was hot in his apartment. I immediately questioned if the heater was on. It was not. I then asked if we could open the door to let in fresh air. Fresh air was not making its way in quickly enough. Feet were dripping wet. I sat with my legs crossed hoping my pants would mop up the sweat. I became uncomfortable. I flopped around trying to find the perfect sweat wicking position. He was none the wiser of my droplets but I feared him finding out.

My body must have been radiating heat because asked if he should open a window. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES. There was a nice cross breeze that moved through the stuffy apartment. Finally, I was able to kick my legs out across the couch and focus on the film. My sweating subsided. They were still clammy but they were manageable and less embarrassing. 

When we started chatting after the film the sweating started up again. A fun reminder that I can't always have complete control. I had a similar takeaway from watching Frozen.

I'm planning to have "SOCKS" tattooed on my arm real soon. 

Going to Church

The fear of God was very real part of my youth. Not only was I afraid of being condemned to hell for my transgressions but I feared hand holding during worship. Church has never felt like a comfortable atmosphere for me. 

One of my dear friends managed to get me in a church over the weekend. I'm not a religious person. I go to yoga and consider myself like tooootally spiritual and stuff, but saviors and saints aren't really my thing. Luckily we weren't there to hear a sermon but to hear him sing. 

I've known Eric since our first day of high school. We met in Spanish class. A very gregarious fellow we hit it off right away. I was really fascinated by him as he moved through campus making his presence known. I always wanted to be noticed but didn't have the confidence to make moves. I think Eric and I fell into the same social circles in the long run because frankly we were painfully unhip. Two nerds who dropped some weight over the years and grew into our adult looks. Essentially we look good now so suck it popular kids. 

Eric has been the only person to get me into a church in the last few years. Sadly for his mother's funeral three years ago, and a fundraiser for a local hospice group this past Sunday honoring his mom. 

The sanctuary he performed in was really beautiful. I hadn't been inside since I was a teen. I'd forgotten how the architecture of a Catholic church can overwhelm you. It may be some mind trickery but I can see how people feel the presence of God. Then I was flooded of memories of being utterly paralyzed with discomfort during Catholic mass in our awkward pimply teen years. 

I think I see God in the rafters.

Taking a deep breath I remembered I didn't have to be subject to that anymore. Furthermore, as an adult I know the power of choice and owning my sweatiness. I'm sure if Jesus is the man they say he is– you know hanging out with hookers– he would've been (would be?) fine with abnormal perspiration. If I were to go to church today I don't think I'd be nearly as uncomfortable as in my youth. The memories though are forever cemented in my memory. 

Going to a Catholic high school meant that a few times out of the year I would be forced to attend mass. Imagine it, a church crammed with about 800 hormonal teenagers. The church was built long ago with no air conditioning. The place would get real toasty. There I am in a hot box essentially, nervous because I'm a teen looking to fit in, and my hyperhidrosis is out of control. I would be swimming in sweat. SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

I quickly memorized the part of mass where you hold hands and say the Lord's prayer. KILL ME. Getting up in the middle of mass to go to the bathroom was my classic move. It was also a bold move considering I could have had a major butt sweat stain. Once I faked being sick to avoid the whole ordeal entirely, and another time wore gloves despite it being about 65-70 degrees out. A not so tactful classmate called me out on it, and I will forever remember my friend piping up on my behalf saying that I was trying to moisturize my hands. What a good friend to make up a lie for me because she saw the look of fear come over me.

I'm curious how others have dealt with this within their own church, synagogue, mosque, temple, or wherever one practices their faith. If you have a story about your experience please share! 

Outfit Trends for Your Sweaty Armpits and Feet

There are a few trends over the last year I have been absolutely smitten with. Any outfit that I can sweat freely in deserves a gold medal. Thank you to the designers, stylists, and fashionistas that have embraced these looks. Little do they know they're helping us out in a major way. 

The Classic Denim Shirt

Miley has some respectable moments.

Since my pre-teen years I've been rocking the denim shirt. Sometimes left open over another shirt, a short sleeved version can be worn over a sun dress in the summer, or a dark denim shirt rocked on its own. I recommend investing in a good quality dark denim shirt that allows for a bit of sweat. Often thick enough so sweat won't show through just like your favorite pair of jeans.

Shop denim shirts:

• Madewell - $69.50
• JC Penny - $18.99
• Banana Republic - $79.50

Booties/ Ankle Boots

Simply adorable.

There is nothing worse than sloshing around in shoes. My sweaty feet rejoice in how easy it is to find socks in all shapes in sizes allowing me to wear fancier footwear. But my toes are beyond grateful for the ankle bootie. My entire foot is covered saving me the embracement of visible foot sweat, and I can wear them day to evening.

Shop booties:

• TOMS - $84.00
• O'Neill - $70.00
• Target - $27.99

Color Block Dresses

I am so in love with Vince Camuto right now.

Is this real? Is this really happening? There is a dress that is not just black that will allow my pits to sweat on constant stream? Shut up. With black color blocks under the arms these dresses are often intended to create a slimming silhouette. For us that means we can wear a dress with a pop of color without keeping our arms glued to our sides. Throw your damn hands up.

Shop color block dresses:

• Vince Camuto - $84.99
• ModCloth - $52.99
• Old Navy - $19.00

What are some staples in your closet? Favorite places to shop?

I'm Hot and Uncomfortable

I started seeing someone. It feels weird to say that as we've only been on a handful of dates. "Seeing someone" sounds serious, but there is really no other way to describe what we're doing. We are seeing each other.

Now that I've written this it will fall apart quickly.

From what I can tell he's a good guy that has my sense of humor. I get a sense that I can talk to him about my hyperhidrosis when the time is right. We'll see where things go. 

I had a big confidence break through with him last night. We were in the throws of making out when I became way too hot [insert tasteless joke]. My body was becoming damp and his hands were all over me. He was more or less mopping up my perspiration with his hands. I wonder what he thought of it. I'll never know. I did know though that if we had continued for much longer beads of sweat would have trickled down. The fear of splashes on his hands came over me. 

I must not let that happen. Just yet.

I took control of the situation though. I pulled away subtly, smiled, fanned myself and said, "Hey. I'm really warm, a little sweaty, and kind of uncomfortable. I think I've hit my limit for the night." We starred at each other for a moment. "Sorry, I'm just uncomfortable. Not because of you though. I'm just warm." We starred some more. There was no judgement in his eyes thank god. 

I then diverted the conversation to when we'd see each other next. Everything was peachy king. I did not begin to sweat more out of fear. I didn't panic because I felt bad about stopping the smooches. It was what it was. I went from uncomfortable to comfortable. 

Speak up. It's OK.

Thanks Nick from New Girl for helping me tell this tale.

Your Friend's Coworker Probably Has Hyperhidrosis

My new apartment has no cable nor a working television. Being deprived of basic entertainment has translated to long conversations with my roommates on our uncomfortable couch. You know, talking and catching up. Just enjoying each others conversation. I'm not a chatty person so I'd prefer to feast on Bravo reality but I'll adjust. 

Living with three girls is like an SNL skit sometimes

Last night after yoga feeling sweat free I sat with one of the roomies. Not only was I not sweating but I didn't need to wear socks. When it was clear we were going to hang out I scurried to my room to find a pair of socks. There wasn't a pair handy. Ruffling my bed I hoped a pair might fall out. No stray socks to be found. I walked back out to the living room in a daringly without socks. 

After yoga I generally have about an hour window or more where I don't sweat. My body must be so tapped out of sweating that it needs a break. Read more about my yoga recommendations. 

Back to the point. Roomie and I got to talking about our health issues. Turns out I had never told her about my hyperhidrosis. Like everyone else I've told she had no idea and never noticed. We worked together for about a year. She saw me five days a week. How could she have not smelled my sweaty self on those days that the air conditioning broke in our office?

We continued to swap insecurities with our health issues. She is very open so I already knew a bit of her medical issues but I assured her I would have never caught on had she not told me. She then told me her boyfriend's coworker had hyperhidrosis. I remembered another friend had told me her coworker has hyperhidrosis. Where were these people when I was a teenager? I could've used examples of real people within my social network. Sure I will probably never meet these coworkers but THEY'RE REAL. 

I shamefully adore watching Bravo's Eat Drink Love

The more you start chatting the smaller the world gets.  Here I am having real conversations instead of judging my life against stupid reality TV shows. Imagine that. 

More chatting less TV. Don't be fooled into thinking I will give up TV completely. I'm currently binge watching Breaking Bad on Netflix (OMG that show makes me so tense). 

Moving: Eastside v. Westside in LA

After two years living in Hollywood my roommate and I decided it is time to move. He is taking a leap further into adulthood by buying a condo and moving in with his girlfriend. I am looking to cut down on my hour commute. Driving has become an extension of me. I'm beginning to fear that I've developed a rounder booty and podcasts have become my friends. [If you're in to comedy and nerdy pop culture check out the Nerdist). Hash tag: obsessed.]

As I am making my decision on where to call home I've entered the Eastside v. Westside debate. In LA this is a thing. It makes me uncomfortable. Which side is the best side?

via KCRW (my choice radio station)

I'm drawn to the Eastside's live music culture and DIY appeal. The Westside has a cleaner safer appeal and very walkable streets. They both offer amazing restaurants, shops, and I have friends that live on both ends of town. There was no one thing that could help me decide. Or was there? As summer approached it dawned on me. There absolutely is. The weather.

LA is so expansive that the difference in weather can change by 20 degrees. 20 degrees makes a difference to whether or not my hyperhidrosis is going to kick into high gear. This is where the Eastside loses every single time. My current place has air conditioning, but when it's hot I deplore the idea of walking to the grocery store. Walking uphill back in the heat means I will be drenched in sweat. I avoid my neighbors and pray no one else needs to get on the elevator to experience the humidity I radiate. Sorry Mother Earth but I will be driving to pick up my organic kale. 

All things considered, I've forked over my deposit to the Westside. A short bike ride from Santa Monica I welcome the foggy dewey mornings. The Westside rarely peeks over 80 degrees. The flat streets may not offer insane city views that the hills of Hollywood or Silver Lake can but they will offer peace of mind when I walk to get coffee at the local slow drip coffee shop sweat stain free.

For those moving into college dorms this month how is that going? Please share your tips or questions in the comments.

It's Freezing in My Office

Oh hello, it's your fair weather blogger here. I started a new job!

The best part of the new job? It's freezing in my office.

This post is without any insight on sweating. I have no fancy tricks to offer you. Instead, to keep this blog going I'm going to try and write more about my daily life. I had a bit of tunnel vision and it's time to refocus on my life at large as a sweater.

Some of you may know I had a two month employment hiatus. I was funemployed if you will. After being at a job that I was miserable at I took a seasonal position with a well known film festival. The festival was an incredible experience, and the team I worked with was amazing. Once my position ended I really enjoyed those magical two months off. My sweating was at an all time low. I wonder if Europeans with HH sweat less because they are able to take longer vacations.... holidays. I haven't had an extended break like that since the summer between junior and senior year of college. That was many moons ago.

About the time I was starting to get anxious about finding work an opportunity to leave the nonprofit industry (my background), and join a marketing team for a toy company. An awesome coworker at my seasonal gig had put me in touch with the toy company. It was a scary moment leaving an industry for one I had no experience with and uhhh... I took a huge pay cut. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet and I was nervous to go into the unknown.

Happy at work. [I do not work with Kermit.]

I made the right decision. Not only do I hardly sweat at work, but I am genuinely happy at work. My silly nature is perfect for marketing toys. I am learning and absorbing so much already. I am also in an einvronment where my superiors want to nurture my growth with the company.

Here's to a new branch off the career tree!

Brace Yourself. Summer Is Coming.

Where you are it might be snowing. Here in Los Angeles we've already seen highs in the 80s this month. Being uber anxious for summer (good and bad) I started preparing for the impending heat waves in January.

Why so soon? And prepare for what?

In the summer I find it nearly impossible to make a quick decision on what to wear. My favorite pink shorts I can only wear in spring. Come summer I'm too nervous my butt sweat will show through. Every shirt must be layered with a tank top to absorb body sweat. So on and so forth. Thus, I've begun scouting sweat friendly outfits now. There is nothing worse than going shopping in the summer and being smacked in the face with outfit choices that only accentuate my sweating problem.

How anyone can wear silk in the heat of summer?!

On a good note, I'm stoked about some recent finds and thought I'd share them with you.

SHOES! 

My go to shoes since college are usually TOMS, but I felt like mixing it up this year. I've gone through at least three pairs of red TOMS in the last few years. A costly shoe to keep replacing.

Reef's Tropic Slip-Ons

Also available in red.

I bought these primarily to wear with sun dresses. The neutral color they go with everything. My feet tend to swell when sweaty making these shoes a little tight, and not ideal to wear when walking a lot. For the purpose of prancing around a bar or around the office they're great. The extra cushioning is a nice touch.

Reef Sunset Slip-Ons

These were quite a bargain as my size was on sale. They have the same cushioning sole as the beige slip ons above. These will be great for day to day wear. Covering the top part of my foot I won't have to worry about sweat showing as I run around town in these.

and my most coveted find:

Target's Marguerite Closed Wedge Espadrille

So many espadrille wedges are open toed, and that just won't fly. In college I had a similar pair from Target that I wore to DEATH. They were so disgusting by the time I finally threw them out. They absorbed sweat and went with all my going-out-on-the-town outfits and summery dresses. When I spotted their latest rendition I clamored to find my size. I snagged the last pair of eights. The lining of the shoe is made of cotton to help wick away sweat. The sole is made from fake leather which will help minimize stench. They feel a tad loose but that will be perfect when my feet are little balloons from the heat. I've held off on wearing them now so that they will last me all summer long. Ahhhh I can't wait to rock these.

With my new shoes I will try and abide by my promise to wear shoe liners. Read my post on shoe liners; how they help save your shoes, and keep you in your shoes. 

Please share any sweat friendly finds you have in the comments. My style isn't for everyone. You may have the perfect outfit that someone else might be dying to find. 

You Have to Believe That They Are Wrong

You may have seen the Pork Chop video as I call it. More formally known as the To This Day Project. You may have sobbed, like me, while watching it. If you haven't or want to experience it once more, here it is:

I urge you to press play.

Ugh, I'm crying again. I'm a god damn mess.

Were you bullied in school? I wasn't really bullied but societal norms let me know right away I wasn't normal. 

Being bullied in school is something that stays with you for the rest of your life. More importantly, being bullied shapes the person you become. Within the first two minutes, cue tears hitting me like a sack of bricks:

We grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us.

Oh my god. That's me! Where the hell are the tissues. My tears burn right about now, damn mascara.
I believed those words growing up. I still cry myself to sleep as an adult thinking those words. At an early age I knew my sweating was something to be ashamed of. I was never bullied for it but I never felt comfortable confiding in anyone about it. Social norms were my bully. I learned to hide my abnormality and still do. When these words and feelings manifest in you at such a young age it is very hard to shed them as an adult. It becomes part of your makeup. Your secrets and insecurities shape your every decision. You dig a hole to feel safe but you don't know how to come out of the hole for a breath of air. You look around and not sure who you can't trust to get you out.

Despite a loving husband she does not think she's beautiful.

I was an ugly duckling in junior high and very unassuming looking in high school. Come college I was alright, and today I've come into my looks and even get ya know complimented by strangers. Yet, I can not believe it for myself. This has affected me tremendously with relationships and I experience swings of depression. I am not comfortable or confident in my own skin 100% of the time because, again, the feeling of being less than my peers was instilled at an early age. Living in Los Angeles among models hasn't be easy either.

Lived like the uphills were mountains, and the downhills were cliffs.

Visually that line in the video is incredibly beautiful. We've all been there. Wanting to just jump off the cliff. Surely it's easier than the insane feelings and thoughts coursing through us.

There are days when I feel I can't take on one more thing, or I don't have the care to try. I rather just jump off the cliff. Depression caused by hyperhidrosis is real. The video shows how kids are thrown prescriptions so quickly for their depression. Fortunately I am not pilled up for my depression. My mother experienced how pills and prescriptions for mental health turn you into a drone, a zombie. A prescription is thrown at a behavior too often in our society before digging at the core to see what is truly wrong. 

If you feel your life is for the better with a prescription for a mental or behavioral issue. I am all for it. But do not be afraid to question it. Everyday I have to work at my health to make sure I stay sane. It is too easy to spiral down. 

If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself then get a better mirror.

Living an active life and not sitting at home dwelling on my insecurities is my "better mirror." My self confidence is not where I'd like it to be but it is much higher than when I was in school. The working world has it's demands and it forces responsibility on you. If you're idle in the working world your dreams of a career quickly crumble. Furthermore, surrounding myself with active people has helped. Going for a hike is so much easier when I can call a friend to join me. 

There is nothing better than feeling your blood pumping rapidly after yoga. There is also nothing better than a drinking mimosa(s) on a patio taking in some Vitamin D on a perfectly sunny day in Santa Monica. These are the things that make me happy in a simple way. What makes you happy? 

There is something inside you that made you quit trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and you signed it THEY WERE WRONG. 

You have to believe that they are wrong.

What makes you fight? When I fight for me, and champion for my own well being I see that I attract other fighters. Other people who want to live a healthy life want to surround themselves with my company. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. We do amazing things. We have goals we want to accomplish. We like to be outdoors exploring the wonderful things that we're so fortunate to have access to. The people who are wrong, they have fallen away.

The people who are wrong still exist, but they do not hold a place in my life. I do not give them the time to influence me any longer. They are not invited to brunch at my house.

Hyperhidrosis has taught me compassion.

Hyperhirdosis makes me feel that I am weird. I'm gross. So when I meet someone who has their own insecurity I'm far more compassionate. When you're compassionate the world is a little lighter. 

In school, in the workforce, in the grocery store, wherever be a little more compassionate. Smile. You might just make someones day. Life is a fucking struggle and the nicer we are the better.

I am telling myself now to honk a little less. Oops. I've probably made a many of people want to jump off a cliff after honking. But seriously turn your god damn blinker off or get off your phone and drive. OK that one is going to take some work.

Be aware that nothing is not always as easy as it seems. I hope teachers and school administrators will learn this quickly. We must start pouring compassion to youth. As I've mentioned insecurities instill themselves when we're young. There are MANY phenomenal teachers out there, but there are many that continue to instill insecurity in school or mask with treatments that clearly don't work. To the teachers who have to fight a system to stop bullies and to get social services for their students, I salut you!

I am happy.

80 degree heat in LA today. Hiking solo and pool lounging solo. 

I have a lot of shit to work on, but I can honestly say I am happy. I'll keep fighting for happiness. One day I'll feel beautiful. Today I don't feel shitty or ugly.

Please share your stories and struggles in the comments. We need each other! Someone may need out of a hole and your story just might help them climb out. 

My Massage Experiences Illustrated with the Help of Jennifer Lawrence

I've had five massages in my twenty six years of living so it hardly makes me an expert. I am an expert regarding the anxiety of getting a massage though. Last night being the frugal fabulous city living lady that I am I broke down and bought a deal on one of those flash sites. My bargain promised a massage and body scrub in glamorous North Hollywood (read: potentially sketchy).

Below I recount my dabbles with strangers massaging my body for your reading pleasure (I hope). Good news! We end on a happy tale. Funny enough I'm watching Celeste & Jesse Forever and there is a massage scene going on RIGHT NOW. I call that a sign.

The Ugly - Reflexology
One of my girlfriends Sam decided we should go to one of those cheap massage parlors. You see them all over in LA and Orange County. They're generally $20-$45 for a quick rub down. Nervously I asked my friend to describe what its like.

She tells me, "It's just a big room of people. You have your clothes on. It's nothing fancy but it feels amazing." 

Slightly panicking knowing I couldn't get out of it, "OK so you leave your clothes on? I guess I could do that. It's just ummm my feet... they get... clammy." 

Sam was keen on getting her kinks out could sense I was ready to back out, "You will do fine. They put your feet in a bucket of water. C'mon let's go."

They touch your feet?

My insides were curdling. My knots were creating knots. The backs of my legs were sweating with semi noticeable sweat stains on my yoga pants. The trip was already completely counter productive.

It was just as she described. However there was so much emphasis on the feet as this was a reflexology spa. I use the word spa loosely. First putting your feet in a bucket of hot water I could feel the sweat tingle come on-- that slight sting feeling that comes with nervous sweating. Although they were in a bucket of water I just knew they were dripping sweat.

The old man pulled my feet out of the bucket after a few minutes and began to put pressure on them. By rubbing the feet with certain pressure points reflexologists can release tension in other parts of the body. It's pretty fascinating but very uncomfortable with sweaty feet.

I could not stop sweating. My feet soaked the pillow they were resting on. I was mortified. By the time he worked his way to my back I wanted to run out the door. Instead I stayed like a tense ball ready to explode at any moment.

I will never get a reflexology massage again. If you have sweaty feet and are tangled by the idea of someone touching your feet RED ALERT AVOID REFLEXOLOGY. I have friends who swear by reflexology and love a quick trip in an Asian oasis. I envy their ease. But at the end of the day that shit just isn't for me.

The Bad - Chatty Cathy
Right after my parents divorced my mom decided we should take a trip to Hawaii in an attempt to have a bit of peace. It turned into a sad reminder our family was no more. I digress though, I had some pennies saved and thought a massage could help my aching heart.

At 19 I was not confident in speaking up for myself. I let the massues do what she thought was best. I cringed as she massaged my feet.

She commented on my sweating.  That is one of my ultimate pet peeves-- pointing anything physically out of the norm on someone.

She had a tone like she was going to scold me. Then trying to suggest that I wasn't drinking enough water. Oh and she rattled on what was best for my acne. Congratulations lady you just announced that you are aware that I am sweaty. As if it was the first time I was hearing it. Good. For. You. Do you feel like you found the holy grail? I'm sorry I don't have a medal for you.

For fucks sake.

Wow. I just got heated remembering that moment.

Really though, this goes for anyone and any slight abnormal "thing" they may have. All that comes of it is embarrassment and the person who calls it out gets nothing. For the love of sanity think before you speak people.

The rest of the massage was fine. Just heightened insecurity is all.

The Good- Hot Oil. Rub it all over me.
The quaint spa in North Hollywood was a dream come true. The massues used hot oil which meant my sweat and the oil just kind of mixed together. I was confident the massues couldn't tell I was sweating and if she did she didn't say a god damn thing because she's the BEST.

Don't leave! I want this to last forever.

My massage was followed up with a sea salt scrub that again masked any and all sweat. The salt also helped leave my skin smooth and sweat free for a few hours after my relaxing retreat.

Parting Words
In conclusion, know that you're in charge and there are options for everyone. I always read Yelp reviews to get a sense of the spa. Just want your back and shoulders massages and hands avoided? Ask for it. You deserve it!

Let Jennifer Lawrence inspire you to enter a spa with confidence but not necessarily grace. She is true to herself and America is loving it.

Screw the norm. I get what I need.

Natural Remedy: Sage

As a self proclaimed faux hippie I thought it would be prudent to find a natural remedy to tackle my hyperhidrosis. But let's be real here. I am VERY skeptical that an herb treatment can calm my crazy sweats.

Through basic web based research Sage presented itself multiple times through various sources as the solution for excessive sweating.

The active substance of the sage – possibly mainly its ethereal oil – regulates the secretion of the sweat to a normal stage and also regulates the central nervous system, which is responsible for the control of the sweat glands.  So says sweating-help.com

Stage ONE

Not into the idea of sage tea baths (my bathtub is useless at holding water) and not willing to invest in herbal teas (the ones I saw seemed a little high to me) I went for sage capsules.

Just under $15

Verdict? Save your fifteen dollars. I took the capsules religiously for a few weeks in the morning and at night and did not see any reduction in sweating.

Stage TWO

Not ready to give up I continued to read that steeping sage for tea was successful for some helping reduce sweating by 50%. While writing and researching this post at the library yesterday I realized I was just down the street from a local health food store. I packed up my laptop and marched right on to see if they had any sage products.

I first peeked at the dry seasoning aisle. They had some derivitive of sage that I just couldn't imagine how I would soak in hot water. I then proceeded to the cosmetic aisle where I thought my brain was going to explode from sensory overload. SO many options and no idea what ingredients are in the products. I then peered into the tea aisle and low behold I found this:

Sage tea bags for $2.99!

I immediately felt like an idiot for not checking this out sooner. I could certainly splurge three dollars for this experiment.

I followed eHow's guide for sage tea: http://www.ehow.com/way_5457392_much-should-taken-excessive-sweating.html

1. Boil a cup of water
2. Pour boiled water on tea bag and let it steep for 4-5 minutes
3. DO NOT steep for more than 5 minutes. This will cause the sage to lose active ingredients meant to stop sweating and it can make it poisonous. Yikes!
4. The tea is very "earthy" smelling. Meaning it smells like shit so squeeze a wedge of lemon and bit of honey to taste. 
5. Let cool and drink!

Drinking it now it's not bad at all with the lemon and honey. My plan moving forward is to make every morning and let cool while I take my morning shower. 

I also rubbed the tea on my feet. To keep things easy I am going to focus on my feet for now and if it works move on to other areas.

Tea treat for my feet.

I recommend making a separate cup of tea that you dab your sponge or wash cloth in and another that you drink. I'm not thrilled at the extra dishes and cloths I'll need to wash but they are small sacrifices.

This experiment will take a few weeks. I'll be sure to report out if I do in fact see any results.

If you have a recipe you've found successful please share in the comments!

Fall Out and Get Back Into It

"It hurts sometimes when you’re healing. It’s the sensation of your heart growing bigger. It’s the feel of your old scar tissue breaking up and stretching. It’s the tight and fearful knots of emotion opening up and learning to relax. Those old hurts were actually shrinking your heart with tension, the way tightness in the back can curve and distort the spine. I know it hurts, but you can learn to experience these feelings as intense sensation and simply surrender yourself; trusting that a new and better you will soon emerge. Fear and resistance will increase the pain. Love and acceptance will ease it. Let your Heart open wide. You’ll be opening up more room in your life for love."

— Dorothy Mendoza Row

The above passage was read in my yoga class this evening. Wow. I urge you to reread it. Let that sink in.

It hurts to heal. 

The scar tissue I have built up around my heart. Hacking through it. 

That is a powerful visual that I completely embrace and am so thankful for. 

I've begun trying to shed the fears I've developed from hyperhidrosis, but I had a bit of a set back recently. My friends and I had a fabulous evening drinking and watching the TLC instant classic made for TV movie "Liz & Dick." We were having a merry ol' time laughing and throwing out pithy one liners. I decided to take my comments to Twitter. My friend tweeting next to me leaned over to see my account. I hesitated. I froze a bit. 

Don't panic.

Him, "Hey what's your twitter handle?" I gave him my personal account. An account I wasn't tweeting from. He leaned in again to see the name on my screen. Clearly I was not tweeting from my personal account. Me, "Oh yea... I have another Twitter account. It's mostly teen followers. They might find this stuff funny." I straight up panicked. I began to get warm. I did not want to tell him.

What happened to the new confident me that was ready to be completely honest about hyperhidrosis?! I felt like I was failing our community of sweaters. 

In yoga during standing bow, my favorite pose, the instructor tells you to kick your leg into your hand as hard as you can, so hard you feel like you might fall over. They then follow it up with if you fall out of the pose get right back into it.

So, in that moment I fell out. I went back to the scar tissue. Thinking of all the times I've been embarrassed by my sweating. It hurts sometimes to move forward when you remember the past that gave you that scar tissue. I will sweat through it and get back into it.

If you have a story like this please share in the comments. How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Anxious for the holidays? Drop me a line.

Also, there have been some great questions posted on Tumblr. Check out what others have to say.