Sunday, June 28, 2015

Crying Over Sweat Stains. It Still Happens.

I've been in a sad space for the last few days. I can't quite explain it, and not being able to explain it just perpetuates my sadness. AWESOME. 

Just moments ago I returned home and noticed the sweat stains all over my shirt. Pit stains. Torso stains. Back stains. 

Sadness flooded in like... I don't know what I'm so upset! I don't weep at every sweat stain. It's part of my identity at this point. I manage it. More times than not I am so used to being a sweaty person it doesn't phase me. If you've read other posts I think that's very clear.  

Then there are moments I can't help but feel so disgusting. I think why can't I just go for a walk without dripping through my clothes. My hands no longer sweat thanks to ETS surgery but my body melts down with any kind of physical exertion. I'm a healthy, active person and there is no reason I should be breaking this big of a sweat. Right now I'm crying over sweat. I feel exhausted. For those of you dealing with real problems, my sincere apologies. I'm over me too right now.

I watched Inside Out today. There's a wonderful lesson about sadness. Yadda yadda. Go see it. I won't spoil it for you. I had a rather lovely afternoon. 

I may not understand this sadness right now. Hopefully it will pass soon. It's a hell of a good reminder to book a therapy session because you can be doing just fine and get hit with an emotion like a sack of potatoes and feel like a sack of potatoes for no good reason. Well there are reasons but it doesn't totally make sense to me. 

I texted a few girlfriends this morning about the off feeling. One was feeling it too. Just yesterday I opened up to other friends for their opinion on my state of mind. One of the gals was dealing with something challenging as well. I had the comfort of knowing that I wasn't alone in navigating emotions. 

Emotions are fucked. Sweating is fucked. But it'll all be OK. I promise me and you that. Also, talk about the bad openly and others will open up too. You're not conditioned to be perfect. A friend once sent me a card that said, "Thank you for sharing your humanity." By sharing I find others give a little too. So I encourage you to try it. Share your true self -- sadness and all. 

Now that I've shared this with you I'm starting to feel a bit better already. Cheers. 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Sadness & Suffering

To truly experience life we are demanded to experience sadness and suffering along with happiness and joy. I will talk about these themes more in the future as I've learned a lot about embracing highs, lows and everything in between as part of the ebbs and flow of life. But today, I want to recognize the unnecessary inflicted pain forced upon someone and the suffering they are forced to manage.

Today the Charleston community and black people nationwide are suffering. In the US we've allowed an ideology that black people are less than. Furthermore we're allowing this ideology to breed stronger and stronger despite decades of work to reverse discrimination. Whatever your political leaning is, I demand that you agree that all lives matter. No one should be terrorized.

As you take on each day I encourage you to help be the change. Stop and give a little compassion. I receive many emails from people simply looking to relate. We offer one another compassion. Through compassion the world becomes a little more manageable. Our fears become less daunting.

Stop and look someone new in the eye and recognize them for the human they are.

Do not take your personal suffering and infect someone else with it. Suffering should not be a disease that is transmittable. Take responsibility to do self care, to heal your suffering. You do not heal from passing on your pain, you simply make the world a little more shitty.

Let's stop perpetuating fear and stop terrorizing people of color. 

With compassion,

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Calendaring Time for Us

I don't want to acknowledge it. I always acknowledge it and make false promises. Does it matter? OK. I've been gone. It's been just over a year since I've updated the blog.

Can we ignore that? Pick up like old friends?

View from my new apartment.
3 different apartments and 4 new jobs since moving to LA.

It's so good to see you. Did I tell you I started a new job? No, not that last one I told you about. Another one. The end of June will be my one year with the company. This is my fifth new job in seven years. I have a knack for landing jobs and it not being the right fit for the long run. This one though, we're going steady. A real keeper. A job that involves annual reviews, goals and a work culture that says 'we are here to get shit done'.

This new job has gotten between you and me. It doesn't like me focusing my efforts on personal projects while in the office. Those old gigs I had didn't care to notice that I was blogging here and there in between tasks. It's truly a blessing and a curse. I don't even think about blogging while on the job. The work culture is that good.

With each passing month it became harder and harder to even peak at the Sweat Through It email account. I cringed to think of how many people were waiting for responses. Waiting for questions to be answered. It was me, not you.

Advocating for the sweaty isn't my only interest. My brain is bubbling with ideas of creative pursuits (in large part thanks to Instagram, I refuse to use Pinterest). I want to sew more. The apartment I just moved into (woot!) desperately needs a dining table and I of course have been stuck on the idea of sourcing it from a vintage shop. My time working for a toy company made me realize, hey! maybe I could be a writer for children's TV or literature. Each weekday I come home and watch The Chew and have to text my friends about the decadent dishes we just have to make for our next picnic/dinner party/group vacation. On Tuesdays I never miss my hot yoga sculpt class (it's even marked on my work calendar) and push myself to make it to two more yoga classes during the week. OMG I desperately need to dust my entire apartment... be right back.


My desires are overflowing. My cup is not only half full it is flooding my kitchen and I'm so shocked I just stand in a puddle not sure where to begin. Expectations I've put on myself have essentially paralyzed me.

What do you want to get working on that just can't seem to find the room for?

It's OK to not have it all. To not have the energy to do everything and put on a happy face for the internet. I do want to do this though. I want to continue to connect with you.

Catch up again soon? I've pencilled you in for next week. Can't wait!