Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I Don't Like Feet

"I don't like feet," is a lie I've become committed to. It's the excuse I give to wearing closed toe shoes and socks year-round, declining pedicures, and avoiding all foot touching from massages to playful tickling. 

My sock game. Wild.
Why do people like to touch feet?!

New fella I'm seeing went to grab my feet on our date this weekend. I had socks on but they were most definitely sweaty. I didn't know if the sweat had permeated through the cotton. It seemed a little early to reveal my sweaty feet. I didn't drop the HH bomb. 

I was kicking myself for not opening the sliding door adjacent to his couch. There was a cool breeze that night. Instead we cuddled up on his leather couch. I most definitely began to sweat because how can you not sweat on leather? I steadily became more uncomfortable as the night went on. I could not keep my cool-- all senses of the word.

Why do people like leather couches?!

When he grabbed at my feet I flinched and pulled away immediately. "I don't like feet," I said it a few times like a nervous tick. My confidence was plummeting. He laughed and asked if I had scary feet. Well, honestly, in my humble opinion I do. I did not admit that though, because they don't look scary they just have some fucked up qualities. He laughed saying that he was now afraid to see my feet. I laughed back but really I just wanted to run to his fridge and cool off and die a little inside. 

Luckily I did ask to open the sliding door later in the night. I was immediately freezing due to the sweat all over my body. It was a better alternative though and kept my sweating at bay. He didn't once comment on my dampness. Could he feel it? Were his hands clammy enough he didn't feel the sweat?

I've told you to "Speak up. It's OK." Shame on me for not heeding my own advice. Sliding door open, please!

Friday, March 21, 2014

I Went On Stage

It's Friday. I'm feeling alive. So excited to go to yoga and do absolutely nothing tonight. It took three weeks to purge Hansel feelings. I'm enjoying my alone time again. Tomorrow I have a promising fourth date with a new fella. Swagger on.

I owe thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade for resurrecting my dating life. UCB is a comedy haven in Los Angeles. Starving artists and famous comedians alike can be found here. Amy Poehler, the bad ass chick on Parks and Rec, yea she's one of the founders.

UCB New York

Once a month UCB hosts the OKCupid Show. Two "dating experts" put a dude through the ringer to sharpen his first date skills. That means they mock him in front of a live audience while he goes on three dates. It's awesome! 

Yours truly was picked as date number three. Luckily, my hilarious and wonderful friend Lena joined the fun as date number two. BUDDY SYSTEM. If you plan on attending be relieved to know that dates are arranged prior to the show. Do not go into a sweat wondering if you will be picked to go on stage. 

Last fall the show contacted me but timing was bad and things just got exclusive with Hansel. I said thanks but can't do it. Soon after Hansel and I broke up I contacted them as one of my first rebounds. Let's get on this! I didn't hear anything back from them. I assumed they already found the ladies they needed. I was old news. 

Remember how I said the universe has been speaking to me? This was another example. After the breakup I stopped going to yoga because I was afraid of feeling all the feels that comes with therapeutic exercise. When I finally went back to my studio the instructor was hitting all the right notes. That's an entire post on its own. I left class feeling elated, and the thought, "I need to do something that scares" filled my head and heart. Yes, my heart too! I checked my phone seconds later to see a message from the OKCupid show. They wanted me to join the show. Universe, whoa, you're tripping me out.

Go on a date in front of an audience that happen to be good looking Angelenos. Yea that definitely scares me. The universe delivered yet again when I arrived backstage and there was a plethora of booze to numb my nerves. Two shots of Jameson, please!

That's me!
The show was an absolute fucking blast. It's one of those things you have to see for yourself. Hilarity ensued, a naked man crashed my date, I flicked a gummy bear to the audience, and I didn't miss a beat. My ego was bouncing off the walls. The laughs I got from the audience, and the attention after the show was like taking a hit of crystal meth. Not that I would know what that's like but I've been binge watching Breaking Bad.

Oh, and I encountered Judd Apatow after the show. I wandered back to the green room after my date quite tipsy. Judd is just chillin there. I make some shocked remark. He nodded. In my fantasy world I imagine my reaction was the same as Lena Dunham's when they first met. 

Two thumbs up for the show. It was just what I needed to reset my swagger. Here's to totally killing it on my date tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Miss Coco Peru: A Role Model

The universe has been speaking to me. Take a moment to stop laughing at me and see if you can join me on this wave for a moment. Just a moment. Oh come on. Come oooooon. You might just like it.

The voices of the universe seem to be fading. I want to remember these moments that have happened in the last weeks to remind myself of where I'm going and that the possibilities ahead are tangible.

I met Miss Coco Peru. And by meet, I mean I waited for her eagerly after a show I paid to see. What do you mean you don't know who Miss Coco Peru is?!

Coco Peru is a fabulous human being who happens to be a drag queen. She inspires us to be who we are. As simple as it sounds it's one of the most important messages we can preach to one another. And my goodness does Miss Coco Peru have a voice to preach it. My friend and I got tickets to see her show "She's Got Balls." We loved every song, story, and fabulous sequin Coco shined on to her audience of giggly Angelenos. 

I've just recently been introduced to Coco's work (see above). Little did I know she's an icon in the world of drag and gay alphabet soup. That red wig came to life in the 90s when I was still rocking bike shorts on the playground. I'm a little late on the bandwagon. But my goodness, she's a god damn rock star. 

This post is admittedly a little late. I saw this show about two weeks ago... maybe three? I really needed a pick me up. The universe delivered. I got Coco to brighten my outlook and really have a great fucking weekend. Her energy was just what I needed. 

Us sweaty folk often don't feel comfortable in our own skin. Coco gets that, but she reminds us to go after what we want. Shine on and damn those who just don't understand. Look around the room for your friends-- we got you. 

"There is a big beautiful world out there and we are waiting for you with open and loving arms..." 
Coco Peru

Sure Coco's message is meant to empower the gay community, but I think the message transcends to all audiences looking for a kick of hope. I'm pretty sure she'd agree... especially if it means more YouTube views.