I'm Hot and Uncomfortable

I started seeing someone. It feels weird to say that as we've only been on a handful of dates. "Seeing someone" sounds serious, but there is really no other way to describe what we're doing. We are seeing each other.

Now that I've written this it will fall apart quickly.

From what I can tell he's a good guy that has my sense of humor. I get a sense that I can talk to him about my hyperhidrosis when the time is right. We'll see where things go. 

I had a big confidence break through with him last night. We were in the throws of making out when I became way too hot [insert tasteless joke]. My body was becoming damp and his hands were all over me. He was more or less mopping up my perspiration with his hands. I wonder what he thought of it. I'll never know. I did know though that if we had continued for much longer beads of sweat would have trickled down. The fear of splashes on his hands came over me. 

I must not let that happen. Just yet.

I took control of the situation though. I pulled away subtly, smiled, fanned myself and said, "Hey. I'm really warm, a little sweaty, and kind of uncomfortable. I think I've hit my limit for the night." We starred at each other for a moment. "Sorry, I'm just uncomfortable. Not because of you though. I'm just warm." We starred some more. There was no judgement in his eyes thank god. 

I then diverted the conversation to when we'd see each other next. Everything was peachy king. I did not begin to sweat more out of fear. I didn't panic because I felt bad about stopping the smooches. It was what it was. I went from uncomfortable to comfortable. 

Speak up. It's OK.

Thanks Nick from New Girl for helping me tell this tale.

You Have to Believe That They Are Wrong

You may have seen the Pork Chop video as I call it. More formally known as the To This Day Project. You may have sobbed, like me, while watching it. If you haven't or want to experience it once more, here it is:

I urge you to press play.

Ugh, I'm crying again. I'm a god damn mess.

Were you bullied in school? I wasn't really bullied but societal norms let me know right away I wasn't normal. 

Being bullied in school is something that stays with you for the rest of your life. More importantly, being bullied shapes the person you become. Within the first two minutes, cue tears hitting me like a sack of bricks:

We grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us.

Oh my god. That's me! Where the hell are the tissues. My tears burn right about now, damn mascara.
I believed those words growing up. I still cry myself to sleep as an adult thinking those words. At an early age I knew my sweating was something to be ashamed of. I was never bullied for it but I never felt comfortable confiding in anyone about it. Social norms were my bully. I learned to hide my abnormality and still do. When these words and feelings manifest in you at such a young age it is very hard to shed them as an adult. It becomes part of your makeup. Your secrets and insecurities shape your every decision. You dig a hole to feel safe but you don't know how to come out of the hole for a breath of air. You look around and not sure who you can't trust to get you out.

Despite a loving husband she does not think she's beautiful.

I was an ugly duckling in junior high and very unassuming looking in high school. Come college I was alright, and today I've come into my looks and even get ya know complimented by strangers. Yet, I can not believe it for myself. This has affected me tremendously with relationships and I experience swings of depression. I am not comfortable or confident in my own skin 100% of the time because, again, the feeling of being less than my peers was instilled at an early age. Living in Los Angeles among models hasn't be easy either.

Lived like the uphills were mountains, and the downhills were cliffs.

Visually that line in the video is incredibly beautiful. We've all been there. Wanting to just jump off the cliff. Surely it's easier than the insane feelings and thoughts coursing through us.

There are days when I feel I can't take on one more thing, or I don't have the care to try. I rather just jump off the cliff. Depression caused by hyperhidrosis is real. The video shows how kids are thrown prescriptions so quickly for their depression. Fortunately I am not pilled up for my depression. My mother experienced how pills and prescriptions for mental health turn you into a drone, a zombie. A prescription is thrown at a behavior too often in our society before digging at the core to see what is truly wrong. 

If you feel your life is for the better with a prescription for a mental or behavioral issue. I am all for it. But do not be afraid to question it. Everyday I have to work at my health to make sure I stay sane. It is too easy to spiral down. 

If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself then get a better mirror.

Living an active life and not sitting at home dwelling on my insecurities is my "better mirror." My self confidence is not where I'd like it to be but it is much higher than when I was in school. The working world has it's demands and it forces responsibility on you. If you're idle in the working world your dreams of a career quickly crumble. Furthermore, surrounding myself with active people has helped. Going for a hike is so much easier when I can call a friend to join me. 

There is nothing better than feeling your blood pumping rapidly after yoga. There is also nothing better than a drinking mimosa(s) on a patio taking in some Vitamin D on a perfectly sunny day in Santa Monica. These are the things that make me happy in a simple way. What makes you happy? 

There is something inside you that made you quit trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and you signed it THEY WERE WRONG. 

You have to believe that they are wrong.

What makes you fight? When I fight for me, and champion for my own well being I see that I attract other fighters. Other people who want to live a healthy life want to surround themselves with my company. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. We do amazing things. We have goals we want to accomplish. We like to be outdoors exploring the wonderful things that we're so fortunate to have access to. The people who are wrong, they have fallen away.

The people who are wrong still exist, but they do not hold a place in my life. I do not give them the time to influence me any longer. They are not invited to brunch at my house.

Hyperhidrosis has taught me compassion.

Hyperhirdosis makes me feel that I am weird. I'm gross. So when I meet someone who has their own insecurity I'm far more compassionate. When you're compassionate the world is a little lighter. 

In school, in the workforce, in the grocery store, wherever be a little more compassionate. Smile. You might just make someones day. Life is a fucking struggle and the nicer we are the better.

I am telling myself now to honk a little less. Oops. I've probably made a many of people want to jump off a cliff after honking. But seriously turn your god damn blinker off or get off your phone and drive. OK that one is going to take some work.

Be aware that nothing is not always as easy as it seems. I hope teachers and school administrators will learn this quickly. We must start pouring compassion to youth. As I've mentioned insecurities instill themselves when we're young. There are MANY phenomenal teachers out there, but there are many that continue to instill insecurity in school or mask with treatments that clearly don't work. To the teachers who have to fight a system to stop bullies and to get social services for their students, I salut you!

I am happy.

80 degree heat in LA today. Hiking solo and pool lounging solo. 

I have a lot of shit to work on, but I can honestly say I am happy. I'll keep fighting for happiness. One day I'll feel beautiful. Today I don't feel shitty or ugly.

Please share your stories and struggles in the comments. We need each other! Someone may need out of a hole and your story just might help them climb out. 

Ehhh, Yea But...

WHEN I READ GOOD ADVICE  BUT KNOW IT'LL NEVER WORK WITH HYPERHIDROSIS

I had a rousing Friday night staying in doing laundry, catching up on Daily Show, and a wee bit of terrible white wine. I also dived into my new dating "handbook." Oh boy, who have I become? I don't do self help books. I know what works for me and surely no one can give someone with HH advice. Unless you have HH I don't want to hear it. As I grow older I realize this is fatally flawed thinking.

This passage really struck me:

I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to feel ashamed of... This is immensely important in the dating process because new love can resurrect our most primitive feelings of fear, hope, dependency, and emptiness. If we know how to soothe our pain and relax into our emptiness, we won't be afraid to be open and honest, regardless of the outcome.

-Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., If the Buddha Dated

The jewel of who I am?! It's cheesy but try to look beyond that. I always use sweating as a cop out. No one knows what it's like, it's disgusting and surely no one will ever accept me for it. Or I at least need time to introduce it to someone as we build our relationship. But how much time?

Starting this blog is a huge step for me in being open about HH. Reading that passage further confirmed I need to continue this journey. It will be a process becoming completely comfortable talking about it.  I have more stories to share about hiding... many more. Stay tuned and tell me about your process.