Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Fall Out and Get Back Into It

"It hurts sometimes when you’re healing. It’s the sensation of your heart growing bigger. It’s the feel of your old scar tissue breaking up and stretching. It’s the tight and fearful knots of emotion opening up and learning to relax. Those old hurts were actually shrinking your heart with tension, the way tightness in the back can curve and distort the spine. I know it hurts, but you can learn to experience these feelings as intense sensation and simply surrender yourself; trusting that a new and better you will soon emerge. Fear and resistance will increase the pain. Love and acceptance will ease it. Let your Heart open wide. You’ll be opening up more room in your life for love."
— Dorothy Mendoza Row

The above passage was read in my yoga class this evening. Wow. I urge you to reread it. Let that sink in.

It hurts to heal. 

The scar tissue I have built up around my heart. Hacking through it. 

That is a powerful visual that I completely embrace and am so thankful for. 

I've begun trying to shed the fears I've developed from hyperhidrosis, but I had a bit of a set back recently. My friends and I had a fabulous evening drinking and watching the TLC instant classic made for TV movie "Liz & Dick." We were having a merry ol' time laughing and throwing out pithy one liners. I decided to take my comments to Twitter. My friend tweeting next to me leaned over to see my account. I hesitated. I froze a bit. 

Don't panic.

Him, "Hey what's your twitter handle?" I gave him my personal account. An account I wasn't tweeting from. He leaned in again to see the name on my screen. Clearly I was not tweeting from my personal account. Me, "Oh yea... I have another Twitter account. It's mostly teen followers. They might find this stuff funny." I straight up panicked. I began to get warm. I did not want to tell him.

What happened to the new confident me that was ready to be completely honest about hyperhidrosis?! I felt like I was failing our community of sweaters. 

In yoga during standing bow, my favorite pose, the instructor tells you to kick your leg into your hand as hard as you can, so hard you feel like you might fall over. They then follow it up with if you fall out of the pose get right back into it.

So, in that moment I fell out. I went back to the scar tissue. Thinking of all the times I've been embarrassed by my sweating. It hurts sometimes to move forward when you remember the past that gave you that scar tissue. I will sweat through it and get back into it.

If you have a story like this please share in the comments. How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Anxious for the holidays? Drop me a line.

Also, there have been some great questions posted on Tumblr. Check out what others have to say