Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Hansel and I Broke Up

Hansel and I broke up. It's because I mentioned him on this blog and I told him about my hyperhidrosis that our relationship was cursed.

Just kidding. I don't believe that all. 

I need to put into words what happened. Help me clear my head. You're getting to know me through this blog, I might as well share this too. I haven't mentioned this but I'm really grateful to you all. I'm especially jazzed by the great responses on Tumblr. Hugs and thanks to you.

I won't get into the details of how he broke up with me, but I saw it coming. Compared to my last breakup this was extremely cordial. The idea that we would breakup always lingered in the back of my mind but I always chalked that up to my insecurity.

He told me he knew I was more invested than he was. That he became less invested than in the beginning. OUCH. Immediately I take his lack of investment to mean I did something to turn him off. To push him away. Maybe I did but I will never know. I'm coping with not putting the blame on myself because I shouldn't. My head knows that but my ego is still coping.

I asked what the turn was for him. He claims that he is used to being alone (I was his first relationship at 26) and that he wants to focus solely on his career in comedy. OK I guess I can respect that. He's a typical comedian... in that he's broken. He didn't lead me on to believe that the relationship could go any further. He also knew, because I'm straight forward, that he couldn't give me what I wanted-- a serious relationship. 

With getting to know him I came to realize he has a lot of work to do before he becomes secure with himself. I just thought I could come along for the ride. We have fun together and seem to have similar views of the world. Not to mention we had a solid mutual attraction to one another. As simple as that sounds it's hard to come by. At the end of the day though if you're not happy with who you are and secure with what you're doing in your life that will have some strain on your personal relationships. I was too optimistic that he could meet me at the serious relationship level down the road. 

My roommate made a simple point that I hadn't thought of. He wasn't ready to receive love. I could see him rolling his eyes to that statement. It makes sense though. If you prefer to be alone, work solely on your craft, then no matter how great the other person is you aren't in a place to accept their love.

After four months of dating I never felt comfortable calling him my boyfriend. That speaks volumes. It also sucks that in such a short time span you can become so close and attached to someone. The jokes! The snuggles! The playful fun! I'll remember it fondly but also miss how comfortable we got.
Everything makes sense logically. I can accept what he is saying. Then my heart chimes in thumping wildly with a sense of loss and my ego is broken. If only I was one thing or another this wouldn't have happened. Yesterday I would cry and impromptu moments when this thought would sweep through my brain. 

Then there is the sting of knowing that he meditated on this and knew on Saturday he would break up with me. My intuition is scary at times. I woke up that morning with the first thought in my head, "This isn't working." But I talked myself down thinking the things that needed work on were just that, things to work on, nothing to breakup over. It's eating at me to know when exactly he came to this decision to break up. Again, I'll never know. My ego hurts with that one and I have to learn to let that go. 

Let. It. Go.

The permanence is hitting me. The likelihood of seeing him again is slim. If you work or go to school with a former lover, may you be blessed with a thousand levels of patience. He asked if we could remain in contact. I told him that I couldn't imagine he would ever reach out but he was welcome to. I made very clear if he wanted us to become friends the ball is in his court to reach out. I don't really know if I want to be friends. I mostly want to talk to him about where his head is at, act more like a therapist. I'm fascinated by how he processes things.

I just checked up on a blog I used to read religiously. The writer is happily planning her wedding so I was skimming her posts begrudgingly, but then I came across a post that gave me a positive thought. The silver lining of this breakup is I will have relief from comparing my relationship with other couples. Something I know I shouldn't do but couldn't help myself from. Shut that noise OFF.

My friends keep offering wine and ice cream to help drown my woes. As if calories can help. I have been resisting. Must take advantage of this loss of appetite while I can! Friends, don't starve yourself but hey, if you happen to not want to eat that bag of chips that's not so bad. Is it? I sure as shit don't want him to run into me ten pounds heavier and in sweat pants. My god, the horror. The breakup diet is giving my face a certain glow.

Rejection blows.

I'm on Tinder as a distraction. Anyone use this absurd app? I'm so overwhelmed by how shallow it is but so satisfied with the instant gratification when someone likes you back.