Happiness Is Personal

Another one bites the dust. I say that partially in jest, partially in frustration. The latest fella I was dating called things off last week. My heart is torn because I know it's for the better but I grew quite fond of him. I approached dating him differently than I had with any other guy. I had fun. I didn't put high stakes on things.

I've been watching a lot of Bob's Burgers lately. 

He hasn't processed his last breakup. A year or so relationship. They lived together for part of that time. Knowing this, I moved very cautiously. Red flags went a blazing when he added me on Instagram and there were very recent photos of them together. One was even captioned, "Best girlfriend ever." I approached it calmly, and asked for him to give me a bit of context. But before I texted him I had a good ten minutes of freaking out and emergency trip to the bathroom because my insides went haywire. He is not aware of said freak out. Social media has a way of throwing wrenches in perception. I recommend avoiding all adding/friending until once you're comfortable together.

After I heard his side of the breakup it was clear the relationship's end was a long time coming. I mean the woman moved out. That's not the most convenient thing to do. I pried a bit to see if he had some time to heal. To be sad. To wallow a bit. To realize he's still a whole without her. It seemed like he had moved on. He even took down the photo that threw me for a loop. I felt good but still weary. 

When he sent the initial text to say he needed to stop seeing me it didn't come as a surprise. Regardless, it is a bummer. That said, my level of respect for him has gone through the roof. His ability to admit he feels broken, and doesn't want to drag me through his road to recovery makes me warm inside. I want to shower him with love because he has done the right thing. Unfortunately, the right thing for me to do is to give him space. My ego smiled when he said I was something special. 

We had a very open and honest conversation over the phone a few hours after the initial text. It was strange because I didn't start sweating during the call like I normally do when on the phone. I care for him and I was able to share with him how I've worked through depression. Human to human I understood where he was coming from. As we spoke it was clear we have a real connection. Unlike Hansel who wasn't ready to love nor receive love, this man is very loving. He is a breath of fresh air. Except, despite how hard he tried, he couldn't open up to receive my affection.

A sense of hope comes over me dreaming of the day that he might call, text, or email to say he's ready. The door isn't closed but I do feel foolish holding that door open. We agreed I wouldn't wait for him but I can't say I'll be jumping into anything soon. I need a break from dating. If someone crosses my path I'll trust my judgement to know if it's right. God knows I've learned enough lessons in dating in the past few years. With each lesson I better be closer to the right partner. I have to trust that I am or I will go crazy. 

I'm not in pieces. On Friday night after a few drinks and a fun night with friends I cried on the drive home. Bourbon has a way of bringing out pain. I also made a killer playlist on Spotify that I'm still impressed with sober. Luckily those are the only tears I've shed.  I'm in a place where I'm capable of letting someone in. I've matured in the way I approach dating, and I'm comfortable with who I am. In a relationship or not I am a bad ass independent human being. He's not right now. There's no reason to be in tears. But how many more lessons do I have to learn? My patience level is waning. Then I read an article like this one that reminds me I have many years ahead. 

I read Maria's beautiful post that touches on being alone and embracing independence. Maria is a fellow sweater, she's one of us. I encourage you to read her work. Maria's words remind me it's a personal journey to happiness. You can't force anyone to get there. It has to be on their own accord. I've done that, and hopefully Michael can get there too.   

In good news, I'll get back to more sweaty related posts soon. A wonderful sweat free Renn Faire trip is worth sharing, and the very sweaty lunch I had when I learned my boss was putting in her two weeks.

Let's be in touch.

I Went On Stage

It's Friday. I'm feeling alive. So excited to go to yoga and do absolutely nothing tonight. It took three weeks to purge Hansel feelings. I'm enjoying my alone time again. Tomorrow I have a promising fourth date with a new fella. Swagger on.

I owe thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade for resurrecting my dating life. UCB is a comedy haven in Los Angeles. Starving artists and famous comedians alike can be found here. Amy Poehler, the bad ass chick on Parks and Rec, yea she's one of the founders.

UCB New York

Once a month UCB hosts the OKCupid Show. Two "dating experts" put a dude through the ringer to sharpen his first date skills. That means they mock him in front of a live audience while he goes on three dates. It's awesome! 

Yours truly was picked as date number three. Luckily, my hilarious and wonderful friend Lena joined the fun as date number two. BUDDY SYSTEM. If you plan on attending be relieved to know that dates are arranged prior to the show. Do not go into a sweat wondering if you will be picked to go on stage. 

Last fall the show contacted me but timing was bad and things just got exclusive with Hansel. I said thanks but can't do it. Soon after Hansel and I broke up I contacted them as one of my first rebounds. Let's get on this! I didn't hear anything back from them. I assumed they already found the ladies they needed. I was old news. 

Remember how I said the universe has been speaking to me? This was another example. After the breakup I stopped going to yoga because I was afraid of feeling all the feels that comes with therapeutic exercise. When I finally went back to my studio the instructor was hitting all the right notes. That's an entire post on its own. I left class feeling elated, and the thought, "I need to do something that scares" filled my head and heart. Yes, my heart too! I checked my phone seconds later to see a message from the OKCupid show. They wanted me to join the show. Universe, whoa, you're tripping me out.

Go on a date in front of an audience that happen to be good looking Angelenos. Yea that definitely scares me. The universe delivered yet again when I arrived backstage and there was a plethora of booze to numb my nerves. Two shots of Jameson, please!

That's me!

The show was an absolute fucking blast. It's one of those things you have to see for yourself. Hilarity ensued, a naked man crashed my date, I flicked a gummy bear to the audience, and I didn't miss a beat. My ego was bouncing off the walls. The laughs I got from the audience, and the attention after the show was like taking a hit of crystal meth. Not that I would know what that's like but I've been binge watching Breaking Bad.

Oh, and I encountered Judd Apatow after the show. I wandered back to the green room after my date quite tipsy. Judd is just chillin there. I make some shocked remark. He nodded. In my fantasy world I imagine my reaction was the same as Lena Dunham's when they first met. 

Two thumbs up for the show. It was just what I needed to reset my swagger. Here's to totally killing it on my date tomorrow.

This Is Where I'm At

My brain is mush. On the upside I'm feeling stable today. The up and down swings of my moods the last few weeks have been alarming and very frustrating. I like to know I'm in control and I have not been. So many times I wanted to write and blog but couldn't focus.

My battle this past week is that I'm tired of being sane, taking the high road, and carrying myself with class. I want to go bat shit crazy on someone. Specifically I want to go crazy on Hansel (the dude I broke up with earlier this month). 

At the end of the day I have some Grade A, incredible friends who remind me that acting a fool will get me nowhere. If you don't have at least one friend that will reign you in find one immediately. At the end of the day I do not want this man. At the end of the day we broke up for a reason. Sending a crazy email about my assumptions that he is already seeing someone else will not move me in a positive direction. Instead I decided to deactivate my Facebook so I can't see what he's up to and make up story lines on his dating life. 

The energy it takes to hold your head high after rejection is hard. To keep my mind occupied I've gone out most nights of the week. I've met some new people that remind me that LA is full of interesting walks of life. I've treated myself to delicious overpriced foods. Fried brussels sprouts with goat cheese... oh my god I felt so alive eating those decadent sprouts. I've spent time getting closer to friends. With the help of fancy cocktails we've opened up about past experiences in love and life in general bringing our group closer.

Nights last week were the hardest. I spent my days running from my emotions that when it was time to rest my head and heart I just sort of broke down. Yet, despite suppressing my emotions I had severe jaw pain. My anxiety and sadness manifested through physical pain. I clenched my jaw and pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. 

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to resuming my yoga routine. After treating myself to a massage, manicure, and a stroll through my neighborhood on Friday I realized I could focus on me again. It was refreshing. Before I met Hansel I was really happy with myself, and it's good to know I can return to that.

Can you relate to any of this? Have moments of wanting to go absolutely crazy?

Hansel and I Broke Up

Hansel and I broke up. It's because I mentioned him on this blog and I told him about my hyperhidrosis that our relationship was cursed.

Just kidding. I don't believe that all. 

I need to put into words what happened. Help me clear my head. You're getting to know me through this blog, I might as well share this too. I haven't mentioned this but I'm really grateful to you all. I'm especially jazzed by the great responses on Tumblr. Hugs and thanks to you.

I won't get into the details of how he broke up with me, but I saw it coming. Compared to my last breakup this was extremely cordial. The idea that we would breakup always lingered in the back of my mind but I always chalked that up to my insecurity.

He told me he knew I was more invested than he was. That he became less invested than in the beginning. OUCH. Immediately I take his lack of investment to mean I did something to turn him off. To push him away. Maybe I did but I will never know. I'm coping with not putting the blame on myself because I shouldn't. My head knows that but my ego is still coping.

I asked what the turn was for him. He claims that he is used to being alone (I was his first relationship at 26) and that he wants to focus solely on his career in comedy. OK I guess I can respect that. He's a typical comedian... in that he's broken. He didn't lead me on to believe that the relationship could go any further. He also knew, because I'm straight forward, that he couldn't give me what I wanted-- a serious relationship. 

With getting to know him I came to realize he has a lot of work to do before he becomes secure with himself. I just thought I could come along for the ride. We have fun together and seem to have similar views of the world. Not to mention we had a solid mutual attraction to one another. As simple as that sounds it's hard to come by. At the end of the day though if you're not happy with who you are and secure with what you're doing in your life that will have some strain on your personal relationships. I was too optimistic that he could meet me at the serious relationship level down the road. 

My roommate made a simple point that I hadn't thought of. He wasn't ready to receive love. I could see him rolling his eyes to that statement. It makes sense though. If you prefer to be alone, work solely on your craft, then no matter how great the other person is you aren't in a place to accept their love.

After four months of dating I never felt comfortable calling him my boyfriend. That speaks volumes. It also sucks that in such a short time span you can become so close and attached to someone. The jokes! The snuggles! The playful fun! I'll remember it fondly but also miss how comfortable we got.
Everything makes sense logically. I can accept what he is saying. Then my heart chimes in thumping wildly with a sense of loss and my ego is broken. If only I was one thing or another this wouldn't have happened. Yesterday I would cry and impromptu moments when this thought would sweep through my brain. 

Then there is the sting of knowing that he meditated on this and knew on Saturday he would break up with me. My intuition is scary at times. I woke up that morning with the first thought in my head, "This isn't working." But I talked myself down thinking the things that needed work on were just that, things to work on, nothing to breakup over. It's eating at me to know when exactly he came to this decision to break up. Again, I'll never know. My ego hurts with that one and I have to learn to let that go. 

Let. It. Go.

The permanence is hitting me. The likelihood of seeing him again is slim. If you work or go to school with a former lover, may you be blessed with a thousand levels of patience. He asked if we could remain in contact. I told him that I couldn't imagine he would ever reach out but he was welcome to. I made very clear if he wanted us to become friends the ball is in his court to reach out. I don't really know if I want to be friends. I mostly want to talk to him about where his head is at, act more like a therapist. I'm fascinated by how he processes things.

I just checked up on a blog I used to read religiously. The writer is happily planning her wedding so I was skimming her posts begrudgingly, but then I came across a post that gave me a positive thought. The silver lining of this breakup is I will have relief from comparing my relationship with other couples. Something I know I shouldn't do but couldn't help myself from. Shut that noise OFF.

My friends keep offering wine and ice cream to help drown my woes. As if calories can help. I have been resisting. Must take advantage of this loss of appetite while I can! Friends, don't starve yourself but hey, if you happen to not want to eat that bag of chips that's not so bad. Is it? I sure as shit don't want him to run into me ten pounds heavier and in sweat pants. My god, the horror. The breakup diet is giving my face a certain glow.

Rejection blows.

I'm on Tinder as a distraction. Anyone use this absurd app? I'm so overwhelmed by how shallow it is but so satisfied with the instant gratification when someone likes you back.