Happiness Is Personal

Another one bites the dust. I say that partially in jest, partially in frustration. The latest fella I was dating called things off last week. My heart is torn because I know it's for the better but I grew quite fond of him. I approached dating him differently than I had with any other guy. I had fun. I didn't put high stakes on things.

I've been watching a lot of Bob's Burgers lately. 

He hasn't processed his last breakup. A year or so relationship. They lived together for part of that time. Knowing this, I moved very cautiously. Red flags went a blazing when he added me on Instagram and there were very recent photos of them together. One was even captioned, "Best girlfriend ever." I approached it calmly, and asked for him to give me a bit of context. But before I texted him I had a good ten minutes of freaking out and emergency trip to the bathroom because my insides went haywire. He is not aware of said freak out. Social media has a way of throwing wrenches in perception. I recommend avoiding all adding/friending until once you're comfortable together.

After I heard his side of the breakup it was clear the relationship's end was a long time coming. I mean the woman moved out. That's not the most convenient thing to do. I pried a bit to see if he had some time to heal. To be sad. To wallow a bit. To realize he's still a whole without her. It seemed like he had moved on. He even took down the photo that threw me for a loop. I felt good but still weary. 

When he sent the initial text to say he needed to stop seeing me it didn't come as a surprise. Regardless, it is a bummer. That said, my level of respect for him has gone through the roof. His ability to admit he feels broken, and doesn't want to drag me through his road to recovery makes me warm inside. I want to shower him with love because he has done the right thing. Unfortunately, the right thing for me to do is to give him space. My ego smiled when he said I was something special. 

We had a very open and honest conversation over the phone a few hours after the initial text. It was strange because I didn't start sweating during the call like I normally do when on the phone. I care for him and I was able to share with him how I've worked through depression. Human to human I understood where he was coming from. As we spoke it was clear we have a real connection. Unlike Hansel who wasn't ready to love nor receive love, this man is very loving. He is a breath of fresh air. Except, despite how hard he tried, he couldn't open up to receive my affection.

A sense of hope comes over me dreaming of the day that he might call, text, or email to say he's ready. The door isn't closed but I do feel foolish holding that door open. We agreed I wouldn't wait for him but I can't say I'll be jumping into anything soon. I need a break from dating. If someone crosses my path I'll trust my judgement to know if it's right. God knows I've learned enough lessons in dating in the past few years. With each lesson I better be closer to the right partner. I have to trust that I am or I will go crazy. 

I'm not in pieces. On Friday night after a few drinks and a fun night with friends I cried on the drive home. Bourbon has a way of bringing out pain. I also made a killer playlist on Spotify that I'm still impressed with sober. Luckily those are the only tears I've shed.  I'm in a place where I'm capable of letting someone in. I've matured in the way I approach dating, and I'm comfortable with who I am. In a relationship or not I am a bad ass independent human being. He's not right now. There's no reason to be in tears. But how many more lessons do I have to learn? My patience level is waning. Then I read an article like this one that reminds me I have many years ahead. 

I read Maria's beautiful post that touches on being alone and embracing independence. Maria is a fellow sweater, she's one of us. I encourage you to read her work. Maria's words remind me it's a personal journey to happiness. You can't force anyone to get there. It has to be on their own accord. I've done that, and hopefully Michael can get there too.   

In good news, I'll get back to more sweaty related posts soon. A wonderful sweat free Renn Faire trip is worth sharing, and the very sweaty lunch I had when I learned my boss was putting in her two weeks.

Let's be in touch.

Living With Women

How are things with you?

What are you up to? 

Did anything crazy happen to you during the eclipse this week?

Things with me are going. Just going. Fighting to stay engaged in my current surroundings. Embracing my wonderful surroundings.

Did I tell you I live with three other girls? It's a god damn sorority house and we're all in our late 20's. Except it's actually nothing like a sorority because we all have jobs and are pretty emotionally stable and none of us use a flat iron. One of the gals is here temporarily before she begins grad school. In June we'll be back to just the three of us. 

Fresh flowers and real talk at the dining table.

Growing up as an only child I dreamed of siblings to share with. I also love being alone as a result of being the doted on daughter-- it took some adjusting living with this many ladies.

The greatest thing though has been our pow wows in the evening. We never know when they will happen. In the evenings when we all just happen to be at home at the same time we unleash our days. The sharing, commiserating, belly laughs, eye rolls, and compassion that is exchanged during these hangouts is spectacular. It's very reminiscent of my senior year in college when I lived with two of my best friends. I wish I could package up these moments and save them for later. I know this is a very unique experience that will leave us once we move on to the next phases of life-- grad school, marriage, new cities, etc.

Living with three strong independent women has really helped me stay on track with my confidence. Best part is these girls were relative strangers (I worked with one a year prior) when I moved in. They do not fit into my friend mold. We generally don't hang out outside of the confines of our casa except for celebrations and exercise. That means I'm exposed to different ways of thinking and new experiences. It's done wonders for the way I view things and I seek them out with some decision making. 

Mostly I appreciate their passion to succeed in life, particularly their careers. I've observed I get paralyzed when thinking of how I will execute my aspirations. They're going for it. Sure they too hit road blocks, which are discussed at length, but they're trying. I'm sort of standing on the edge of the pool staring at the water waiting for the right moment to jump. Or I jump right in without seeing how deep the water is. I'm learning from them.

I am cherishing this chapter of life. 

What are you cherishing? 

I Don't Like Feet

"I don't like feet," is a lie I've become committed to. It's the excuse I give to wearing closed toe shoes and socks year-round, declining pedicures, and avoiding all foot touching from massages to playful tickling. 

My sock game. Wild.

Why do people like to touch feet?!

New fella I'm seeing went to grab my feet on our date this weekend. I had socks on but they were most definitely sweaty. I didn't know if the sweat had permeated through the cotton. It seemed a little early to reveal my sweaty feet. I didn't drop the HH bomb. 

I was kicking myself for not opening the sliding door adjacent to his couch. There was a cool breeze that night. Instead we cuddled up on his leather couch. I most definitely began to sweat because how can you not sweat on leather? I steadily became more uncomfortable as the night went on. I could not keep my cool-- all senses of the word.

Why do people like leather couches?!

When he grabbed at my feet I flinched and pulled away immediately. "I don't like feet," I said it a few times like a nervous tick. My confidence was plummeting. He laughed and asked if I had scary feet. Well, honestly, in my humble opinion I do. I did not admit that though, because they don't look scary they just have some fucked up qualities. He laughed saying that he was now afraid to see my feet. I laughed back but really I just wanted to run to his fridge and cool off and die a little inside. 

Luckily I did ask to open the sliding door later in the night. I was immediately freezing due to the sweat all over my body. It was a better alternative though and kept my sweating at bay. He didn't once comment on my dampness. Could he feel it? Were his hands clammy enough he didn't feel the sweat?

I've told you to "Speak up. It's OK." Shame on me for not heeding my own advice. Sliding door open, please!

I Went On Stage

It's Friday. I'm feeling alive. So excited to go to yoga and do absolutely nothing tonight. It took three weeks to purge Hansel feelings. I'm enjoying my alone time again. Tomorrow I have a promising fourth date with a new fella. Swagger on.

I owe thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade for resurrecting my dating life. UCB is a comedy haven in Los Angeles. Starving artists and famous comedians alike can be found here. Amy Poehler, the bad ass chick on Parks and Rec, yea she's one of the founders.

UCB New York

Once a month UCB hosts the OKCupid Show. Two "dating experts" put a dude through the ringer to sharpen his first date skills. That means they mock him in front of a live audience while he goes on three dates. It's awesome! 

Yours truly was picked as date number three. Luckily, my hilarious and wonderful friend Lena joined the fun as date number two. BUDDY SYSTEM. If you plan on attending be relieved to know that dates are arranged prior to the show. Do not go into a sweat wondering if you will be picked to go on stage. 

Last fall the show contacted me but timing was bad and things just got exclusive with Hansel. I said thanks but can't do it. Soon after Hansel and I broke up I contacted them as one of my first rebounds. Let's get on this! I didn't hear anything back from them. I assumed they already found the ladies they needed. I was old news. 

Remember how I said the universe has been speaking to me? This was another example. After the breakup I stopped going to yoga because I was afraid of feeling all the feels that comes with therapeutic exercise. When I finally went back to my studio the instructor was hitting all the right notes. That's an entire post on its own. I left class feeling elated, and the thought, "I need to do something that scares" filled my head and heart. Yes, my heart too! I checked my phone seconds later to see a message from the OKCupid show. They wanted me to join the show. Universe, whoa, you're tripping me out.

Go on a date in front of an audience that happen to be good looking Angelenos. Yea that definitely scares me. The universe delivered yet again when I arrived backstage and there was a plethora of booze to numb my nerves. Two shots of Jameson, please!

That's me!

The show was an absolute fucking blast. It's one of those things you have to see for yourself. Hilarity ensued, a naked man crashed my date, I flicked a gummy bear to the audience, and I didn't miss a beat. My ego was bouncing off the walls. The laughs I got from the audience, and the attention after the show was like taking a hit of crystal meth. Not that I would know what that's like but I've been binge watching Breaking Bad.

Oh, and I encountered Judd Apatow after the show. I wandered back to the green room after my date quite tipsy. Judd is just chillin there. I make some shocked remark. He nodded. In my fantasy world I imagine my reaction was the same as Lena Dunham's when they first met. 

Two thumbs up for the show. It was just what I needed to reset my swagger. Here's to totally killing it on my date tomorrow.

Miss Coco Peru: A Role Model

The universe has been speaking to me. Take a moment to stop laughing at me and see if you can join me on this wave for a moment. Just a moment. Oh come on. Come oooooon. You might just like it.

The voices of the universe seem to be fading. I want to remember these moments that have happened in the last weeks to remind myself of where I'm going and that the possibilities ahead are tangible.

I met Miss Coco Peru. And by meet, I mean I waited for her eagerly after a show I paid to see. What do you mean you don't know who Miss Coco Peru is?!

Coco Goes to KMart is what started it for me.

Coco Peru is a fabulous human being who happens to be a drag queen. She inspires us to be who we are. As simple as it sounds it's one of the most important messages we can preach to one another. And my goodness does Miss Coco Peru have a voice to preach it. My friend and I got tickets to see her show "She's Got Balls." We loved every song, story, and fabulous sequin Coco shined on to her audience of giggly Angelenos. 

I've just recently been introduced to Coco's work (see above). Little did I know she's an icon in the world of drag and gay alphabet soup. That red wig came to life in the 90s when I was still rocking bike shorts on the playground. I'm a little late on the bandwagon. But my goodness, she's a god damn rock star. 

This post is admittedly a little late. I saw this show about two weeks ago... maybe three? I really needed a pick me up. The universe delivered. I got Coco to brighten my outlook and really have a great fucking weekend. Her energy was just what I needed. 

Us sweaty folk often don't feel comfortable in our own skin. Coco gets that, but she reminds us to go after what we want. Shine on and damn those who just don't understand. Look around the room for your friends-- we got you. 

"There is a big beautiful world out there and we are waiting for you with open and loving arms..." 

Coco Peru

Sure Coco's message is meant to empower the gay community, but I think the message transcends to all audiences looking for a kick of hope. I'm pretty sure she'd agree... especially if it means more YouTube views. 

This Is Where I'm At

My brain is mush. On the upside I'm feeling stable today. The up and down swings of my moods the last few weeks have been alarming and very frustrating. I like to know I'm in control and I have not been. So many times I wanted to write and blog but couldn't focus.

My battle this past week is that I'm tired of being sane, taking the high road, and carrying myself with class. I want to go bat shit crazy on someone. Specifically I want to go crazy on Hansel (the dude I broke up with earlier this month). 

At the end of the day I have some Grade A, incredible friends who remind me that acting a fool will get me nowhere. If you don't have at least one friend that will reign you in find one immediately. At the end of the day I do not want this man. At the end of the day we broke up for a reason. Sending a crazy email about my assumptions that he is already seeing someone else will not move me in a positive direction. Instead I decided to deactivate my Facebook so I can't see what he's up to and make up story lines on his dating life. 

The energy it takes to hold your head high after rejection is hard. To keep my mind occupied I've gone out most nights of the week. I've met some new people that remind me that LA is full of interesting walks of life. I've treated myself to delicious overpriced foods. Fried brussels sprouts with goat cheese... oh my god I felt so alive eating those decadent sprouts. I've spent time getting closer to friends. With the help of fancy cocktails we've opened up about past experiences in love and life in general bringing our group closer.

Nights last week were the hardest. I spent my days running from my emotions that when it was time to rest my head and heart I just sort of broke down. Yet, despite suppressing my emotions I had severe jaw pain. My anxiety and sadness manifested through physical pain. I clenched my jaw and pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. 

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to resuming my yoga routine. After treating myself to a massage, manicure, and a stroll through my neighborhood on Friday I realized I could focus on me again. It was refreshing. Before I met Hansel I was really happy with myself, and it's good to know I can return to that.

Can you relate to any of this? Have moments of wanting to go absolutely crazy?

Go Ahead, Use Your Hands: A Review of The Boiling Crab

Busy. Busy. Busy. Do not slow down. Do not stop to think about life and decisions made. Nope. Nope. Nope.

This weekend was jam packed with activities to block my mind from coming close to thinking about the breakup. One fabulous activity I'm dying to share with you was eating at The Boiling Crab.

Yes, an eating activity. That's what I want to share most. Not the challenging hike I went on that took us on an unconventional trail. Not the amazing cocktail concoctions my friend came up with (elderflower liquor makes everything better by the way). 

Look at how much fun we're having!

The main menu draw at The Boiling Crab is ordering and raveging shellfish by the pound and you have a choice of seasonings. We went for "the whole shebang" which means they load it up with all the flavorings. Then choose your spice level. Mild please! 

The best part of eating at The Boiling Crab is you get to use your hands! I immediately thought of you my sweaty palm people. 

Out comes a plastic bag with your meal. That liquid is most definitely butter. Dive right in with your hands. Sweaty hands be damn. Hands that don't stop sweating is for once of no concern. Let your hands have some fun. Live it up having no restriction to interact with your food and share with your friends. 

I've never shelled sea creatures before. The staff was really helpful demonstrating. So pleased with our meal. Cooked and seasoned to perfection. The sausage, corn, and potatoes were also phenomenal. The cajun fries didn't wow me. I don't recommend the ranch dressing unless you're a fan of the bottle kind.

When visiting the Koreatown location keep in mind that the hour on weekends is about two hours. TWO hours. Good news is one of my favorite bars HMS Bounty is around the corner. With $7.50 premium cocktails (cheap by LA standards) we had a good time passing the time. Our bellies were primed and ready for a seafood adventure. 

Have a place like this in your town? Share in the comments.