The No BS Life

I wrote the first draft of this post over a year ago. I've cleaned it up a bit but the post is very much a reflection of me in 2015; something I'm very proud of.

One of the best gifts I've ever received.

Begin:

The year of no BS.

I've been avoiding this post. It means so much to me that I couldn't even fathom where to begin.

It's July. Oh wait, no it's definitely August. I've been living the year of no bullshit since about December 2014. I can't pin point where it began but I began to say, "Year of no bullshit!"

I turned 29 last month, I've gone through my entire life up until this point very wrapped up in what others thought of me. How I was perceived. How I could control those perceptions. Then I had a major break through with my therapist -- I've spent most of my life controlling my mother's environment to make her happy that our relationship became too codependent and it was spilling into other aspects of my life. My relationship with my mother was suffering because of this. I was trying to control the uncontrollable. 

So I'm working to let that go. I can only control myself. I can only make myself happy.

This blog was a major stepping stone for me as well. Here I am forced to live in truth. You want to hear my struggles and you don't care that I'm sweating through it all. Together we're open and honest. For so long I was used to hiding having hyperhidrosis - making it only worse - and now I admit it fairly openly. The sweating will never go away but I'm far more comfortable in it and as a result I sweat a bit less. 

If you're familiar with comedian Pete Holmes he's a great example of living in truth. His podcast You Made It Weird became an outlet for him to talk about all his weird shit. Also an outlet for me to get some solid laughs as well as have 'holy shit' moments. We all have weird shit! He's a sweaty dude too. He doesn't fall in the hyperhidrosis category as far as I can tell but hey he's talking about being sweaty openly! He's a big ol soggy man sometimes. He talks about his divorce. His "JDates". Plenty of other quirky stuff. Thanks Petey boy! I'm a huge fan. 

Living the year of no bullshit has brought me so much joy. One of the biggest joys, excuse me while I tear up, is connecting with Daniel. My sweet pea, Daniel. We met through mutual friends (it's a way cuter story than that but only so much at once). Our first date, that I initiated mind you, started exactly like this:

We exchange greetings.

Sit down on bar stools.

Daniel blurts, "I want you to know I have no filter."

Amazed I say, "Well this is the year of no bullshit for me."

From that day forward we've held true to those statements. We've been dating, with highs and lows (no bs!), for almost seven months now. This being my longest relationship, Daniel has been very patient as I navigate being vulnerable and letting someone into my world. I had worked so hard recently to be happy alone, I truly was happy alone, it was hard to move into this new territory that was foreign to me.

The greatest aspect of our relationship is knowing we are not dependent on one another to make ourselves happy. I can only control myself. I can only make myself happy. With that obligation removed there is a divine levity to the relationship that makes spending time together so special. 

Daniel has taken it upon himself to find this blog. My heart jumped when I realized he took the time to find it. Google search must be doing the blog good! He's read about my past. There is no escaping my truth. (xoxo).

End.

p.s.

Daniel and I are still happily in love, best friends, roommates and continue to navigate the no bs life. It's funny to read about Pete Holmes because the topics he focuses on has evolved as well and I'm enjoying the progression of his "truthiness" life and his living/growing relationship with Sweet Val (his girlfriend/partner/best friend). 

You know what held me back from posting this for so long? I was waiting for the perfect picture to accompany it. I got the photo MONTHS ago but the post then got away from me. Anyone reading/read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic? I'm in the thick of that book now and it's a wonderful exploration of creativity. She describes that creativity has the ability to move through you and away from you to find another outlet to let that creativity be born. In a way my creativity and spirit for this blog left me, and for now it's back so I'm harnessing it. I have one more good post in me coming up...

Journalling For a Clear Mind

I made an impulse purchase. I'm not proud of it. My Amazon Store card debt is becoming a problem... for another day. I got a new laptop. My MacBook that I've had for at least seven years was making obscene noises, overheating, and working at a snails pace.

Point. Click. Within three days I had a new HP Chromebook. Amazon you're creepy with your insanely fast delivery. Never change.

Who's ready to publish me? 

My shiny new gadget is supposed to make it easier for me to keep this baby updated. I don't have to rely on posting while I'm at work. I can tell you on a whim exactly what I'm feeling. Are you ready for this?! We're going to get to know each other on a deeper level. So get ready with your commenting.

I kid.

Tonight laying leisurely on my couch I do want to tell you about my journalling. For the last month it's become part of my nightly routine. I'm having a-ha moments. A-ha moments are crucial to personal growth. My penmanship is also looking a little more fanciful gliding on the page. 

so.much.thinking.

Having sweaty hands makes writing a bitch. Did you see one of my tips on that? Despite the aggravation that comes with smeared ink and soggy pages writing can be a very therapeutic processing tool. If writing gets you down maybe try typing? What are some methods you use?

Dating, career exploration, and general life motions have my thoughts swirling out of control making me anxious. My writing allows me to catch them as I can. Like butterflies in a net I can't get them all. Even if I'm only able to wrangle a few in I can still come to those a-ha moments. As I'm writing the clutter becomes organized and I can make sense of what is taking up space in my brain.

This next week presents a challenge for me. One that I have seen before. Out of paranoia I'm not going to tell you all the details. I'm putting a concerted amount of effort into this challenge. Something I would have never done before. My motto has been "what will be will be." That's great for protecting myself against failure. But what opportunities have I missed out because I was too afraid to try? No longer can I just let things happen. When energy is put in then of course what is meant to be will be. I can say I tried if it doesn't work out. If it does work out I will have the great satisfaction of knowing I didn't miss an opportunity just because I didn't work for it. The moment did not pass me by. 

It's easy to get over failure. With failure comes an end point. You can move on. Sometimes failure will present a starting point to learn something new. When you don't put in the effort you're left with "what could have been?" That is called regret. Regret can last a lifetime. For.ev.er. 

On this a-ha-I-gotta-put-effort-into-things realization kick I wrote a mock letter to Michael that I hope to rewrite and send later this month. The idea of sending a letter and the thoughts I want to convey have been buzzing in my head. I finally penned it down. My mind feels a bit more clear. Writing this letter is me getting over the fear of feeling like a fool. If Michael doesn't vibe with this letter I will be upset. I will feel like a fool for trying. I will get over that upset. I will not feel like a fool forever.  Not sending the letter will mean a lifetime of what could of been between us? Why chance that?

Taking matters into my own hands. I'll let you know how it works out.

What do you want to go after? What do you need clarity on?

Happiness Is Personal

Another one bites the dust. I say that partially in jest, partially in frustration. The latest fella I was dating called things off last week. My heart is torn because I know it's for the better but I grew quite fond of him. I approached dating him differently than I had with any other guy. I had fun. I didn't put high stakes on things.

I've been watching a lot of Bob's Burgers lately. 

He hasn't processed his last breakup. A year or so relationship. They lived together for part of that time. Knowing this, I moved very cautiously. Red flags went a blazing when he added me on Instagram and there were very recent photos of them together. One was even captioned, "Best girlfriend ever." I approached it calmly, and asked for him to give me a bit of context. But before I texted him I had a good ten minutes of freaking out and emergency trip to the bathroom because my insides went haywire. He is not aware of said freak out. Social media has a way of throwing wrenches in perception. I recommend avoiding all adding/friending until once you're comfortable together.

After I heard his side of the breakup it was clear the relationship's end was a long time coming. I mean the woman moved out. That's not the most convenient thing to do. I pried a bit to see if he had some time to heal. To be sad. To wallow a bit. To realize he's still a whole without her. It seemed like he had moved on. He even took down the photo that threw me for a loop. I felt good but still weary. 

When he sent the initial text to say he needed to stop seeing me it didn't come as a surprise. Regardless, it is a bummer. That said, my level of respect for him has gone through the roof. His ability to admit he feels broken, and doesn't want to drag me through his road to recovery makes me warm inside. I want to shower him with love because he has done the right thing. Unfortunately, the right thing for me to do is to give him space. My ego smiled when he said I was something special. 

We had a very open and honest conversation over the phone a few hours after the initial text. It was strange because I didn't start sweating during the call like I normally do when on the phone. I care for him and I was able to share with him how I've worked through depression. Human to human I understood where he was coming from. As we spoke it was clear we have a real connection. Unlike Hansel who wasn't ready to love nor receive love, this man is very loving. He is a breath of fresh air. Except, despite how hard he tried, he couldn't open up to receive my affection.

A sense of hope comes over me dreaming of the day that he might call, text, or email to say he's ready. The door isn't closed but I do feel foolish holding that door open. We agreed I wouldn't wait for him but I can't say I'll be jumping into anything soon. I need a break from dating. If someone crosses my path I'll trust my judgement to know if it's right. God knows I've learned enough lessons in dating in the past few years. With each lesson I better be closer to the right partner. I have to trust that I am or I will go crazy. 

I'm not in pieces. On Friday night after a few drinks and a fun night with friends I cried on the drive home. Bourbon has a way of bringing out pain. I also made a killer playlist on Spotify that I'm still impressed with sober. Luckily those are the only tears I've shed.  I'm in a place where I'm capable of letting someone in. I've matured in the way I approach dating, and I'm comfortable with who I am. In a relationship or not I am a bad ass independent human being. He's not right now. There's no reason to be in tears. But how many more lessons do I have to learn? My patience level is waning. Then I read an article like this one that reminds me I have many years ahead. 

I read Maria's beautiful post that touches on being alone and embracing independence. Maria is a fellow sweater, she's one of us. I encourage you to read her work. Maria's words remind me it's a personal journey to happiness. You can't force anyone to get there. It has to be on their own accord. I've done that, and hopefully Michael can get there too.   

In good news, I'll get back to more sweaty related posts soon. A wonderful sweat free Renn Faire trip is worth sharing, and the very sweaty lunch I had when I learned my boss was putting in her two weeks.

Let's be in touch.

I Went On Stage

It's Friday. I'm feeling alive. So excited to go to yoga and do absolutely nothing tonight. It took three weeks to purge Hansel feelings. I'm enjoying my alone time again. Tomorrow I have a promising fourth date with a new fella. Swagger on.

I owe thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade for resurrecting my dating life. UCB is a comedy haven in Los Angeles. Starving artists and famous comedians alike can be found here. Amy Poehler, the bad ass chick on Parks and Rec, yea she's one of the founders.

UCB New York

Once a month UCB hosts the OKCupid Show. Two "dating experts" put a dude through the ringer to sharpen his first date skills. That means they mock him in front of a live audience while he goes on three dates. It's awesome! 

Yours truly was picked as date number three. Luckily, my hilarious and wonderful friend Lena joined the fun as date number two. BUDDY SYSTEM. If you plan on attending be relieved to know that dates are arranged prior to the show. Do not go into a sweat wondering if you will be picked to go on stage. 

Last fall the show contacted me but timing was bad and things just got exclusive with Hansel. I said thanks but can't do it. Soon after Hansel and I broke up I contacted them as one of my first rebounds. Let's get on this! I didn't hear anything back from them. I assumed they already found the ladies they needed. I was old news. 

Remember how I said the universe has been speaking to me? This was another example. After the breakup I stopped going to yoga because I was afraid of feeling all the feels that comes with therapeutic exercise. When I finally went back to my studio the instructor was hitting all the right notes. That's an entire post on its own. I left class feeling elated, and the thought, "I need to do something that scares" filled my head and heart. Yes, my heart too! I checked my phone seconds later to see a message from the OKCupid show. They wanted me to join the show. Universe, whoa, you're tripping me out.

Go on a date in front of an audience that happen to be good looking Angelenos. Yea that definitely scares me. The universe delivered yet again when I arrived backstage and there was a plethora of booze to numb my nerves. Two shots of Jameson, please!

That's me!

The show was an absolute fucking blast. It's one of those things you have to see for yourself. Hilarity ensued, a naked man crashed my date, I flicked a gummy bear to the audience, and I didn't miss a beat. My ego was bouncing off the walls. The laughs I got from the audience, and the attention after the show was like taking a hit of crystal meth. Not that I would know what that's like but I've been binge watching Breaking Bad.

Oh, and I encountered Judd Apatow after the show. I wandered back to the green room after my date quite tipsy. Judd is just chillin there. I make some shocked remark. He nodded. In my fantasy world I imagine my reaction was the same as Lena Dunham's when they first met. 

Two thumbs up for the show. It was just what I needed to reset my swagger. Here's to totally killing it on my date tomorrow.

This Is Where I'm At

My brain is mush. On the upside I'm feeling stable today. The up and down swings of my moods the last few weeks have been alarming and very frustrating. I like to know I'm in control and I have not been. So many times I wanted to write and blog but couldn't focus.

My battle this past week is that I'm tired of being sane, taking the high road, and carrying myself with class. I want to go bat shit crazy on someone. Specifically I want to go crazy on Hansel (the dude I broke up with earlier this month). 

At the end of the day I have some Grade A, incredible friends who remind me that acting a fool will get me nowhere. If you don't have at least one friend that will reign you in find one immediately. At the end of the day I do not want this man. At the end of the day we broke up for a reason. Sending a crazy email about my assumptions that he is already seeing someone else will not move me in a positive direction. Instead I decided to deactivate my Facebook so I can't see what he's up to and make up story lines on his dating life. 

The energy it takes to hold your head high after rejection is hard. To keep my mind occupied I've gone out most nights of the week. I've met some new people that remind me that LA is full of interesting walks of life. I've treated myself to delicious overpriced foods. Fried brussels sprouts with goat cheese... oh my god I felt so alive eating those decadent sprouts. I've spent time getting closer to friends. With the help of fancy cocktails we've opened up about past experiences in love and life in general bringing our group closer.

Nights last week were the hardest. I spent my days running from my emotions that when it was time to rest my head and heart I just sort of broke down. Yet, despite suppressing my emotions I had severe jaw pain. My anxiety and sadness manifested through physical pain. I clenched my jaw and pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. 

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to resuming my yoga routine. After treating myself to a massage, manicure, and a stroll through my neighborhood on Friday I realized I could focus on me again. It was refreshing. Before I met Hansel I was really happy with myself, and it's good to know I can return to that.

Can you relate to any of this? Have moments of wanting to go absolutely crazy?

Hansel and I Broke Up

Hansel and I broke up. It's because I mentioned him on this blog and I told him about my hyperhidrosis that our relationship was cursed.

Just kidding. I don't believe that all. 

I need to put into words what happened. Help me clear my head. You're getting to know me through this blog, I might as well share this too. I haven't mentioned this but I'm really grateful to you all. I'm especially jazzed by the great responses on Tumblr. Hugs and thanks to you.

I won't get into the details of how he broke up with me, but I saw it coming. Compared to my last breakup this was extremely cordial. The idea that we would breakup always lingered in the back of my mind but I always chalked that up to my insecurity.

He told me he knew I was more invested than he was. That he became less invested than in the beginning. OUCH. Immediately I take his lack of investment to mean I did something to turn him off. To push him away. Maybe I did but I will never know. I'm coping with not putting the blame on myself because I shouldn't. My head knows that but my ego is still coping.

I asked what the turn was for him. He claims that he is used to being alone (I was his first relationship at 26) and that he wants to focus solely on his career in comedy. OK I guess I can respect that. He's a typical comedian... in that he's broken. He didn't lead me on to believe that the relationship could go any further. He also knew, because I'm straight forward, that he couldn't give me what I wanted-- a serious relationship. 

With getting to know him I came to realize he has a lot of work to do before he becomes secure with himself. I just thought I could come along for the ride. We have fun together and seem to have similar views of the world. Not to mention we had a solid mutual attraction to one another. As simple as that sounds it's hard to come by. At the end of the day though if you're not happy with who you are and secure with what you're doing in your life that will have some strain on your personal relationships. I was too optimistic that he could meet me at the serious relationship level down the road. 

My roommate made a simple point that I hadn't thought of. He wasn't ready to receive love. I could see him rolling his eyes to that statement. It makes sense though. If you prefer to be alone, work solely on your craft, then no matter how great the other person is you aren't in a place to accept their love.

After four months of dating I never felt comfortable calling him my boyfriend. That speaks volumes. It also sucks that in such a short time span you can become so close and attached to someone. The jokes! The snuggles! The playful fun! I'll remember it fondly but also miss how comfortable we got.
Everything makes sense logically. I can accept what he is saying. Then my heart chimes in thumping wildly with a sense of loss and my ego is broken. If only I was one thing or another this wouldn't have happened. Yesterday I would cry and impromptu moments when this thought would sweep through my brain. 

Then there is the sting of knowing that he meditated on this and knew on Saturday he would break up with me. My intuition is scary at times. I woke up that morning with the first thought in my head, "This isn't working." But I talked myself down thinking the things that needed work on were just that, things to work on, nothing to breakup over. It's eating at me to know when exactly he came to this decision to break up. Again, I'll never know. My ego hurts with that one and I have to learn to let that go. 

Let. It. Go.

The permanence is hitting me. The likelihood of seeing him again is slim. If you work or go to school with a former lover, may you be blessed with a thousand levels of patience. He asked if we could remain in contact. I told him that I couldn't imagine he would ever reach out but he was welcome to. I made very clear if he wanted us to become friends the ball is in his court to reach out. I don't really know if I want to be friends. I mostly want to talk to him about where his head is at, act more like a therapist. I'm fascinated by how he processes things.

I just checked up on a blog I used to read religiously. The writer is happily planning her wedding so I was skimming her posts begrudgingly, but then I came across a post that gave me a positive thought. The silver lining of this breakup is I will have relief from comparing my relationship with other couples. Something I know I shouldn't do but couldn't help myself from. Shut that noise OFF.

My friends keep offering wine and ice cream to help drown my woes. As if calories can help. I have been resisting. Must take advantage of this loss of appetite while I can! Friends, don't starve yourself but hey, if you happen to not want to eat that bag of chips that's not so bad. Is it? I sure as shit don't want him to run into me ten pounds heavier and in sweat pants. My god, the horror. The breakup diet is giving my face a certain glow.

Rejection blows.

I'm on Tinder as a distraction. Anyone use this absurd app? I'm so overwhelmed by how shallow it is but so satisfied with the instant gratification when someone likes you back. 

My Big Secret Revealed

I did it. I finally did it. I told manfriend that I have hyperhidrosis. I'm hesitant to write this post since I also told him about the blog. If he's curious and does some basic web research he'll find me here. If you're reading this manfriend, hello, welcome to the blog. Don't worry, I will never use your real name. 

For sake of the blog being reader friendly I'll refer to manfriend as Hansel. 

Twice now I've thought about telling him about HH. For whatever reason it didn't feel quite right. Saturday night a combination of feeling secure in where we are in our relationship and wanting to open up to him made for the right HH bomb dropping conditions. There we were laying in bed having a nice time chatting. I was comfortable in his arms staring up to the ceiling when I said, "So I have something to share. I have hyperhidrosis. That's why I sweat so much." I went on to add that I've had ETS surgery and provided a quick summary of side effects I still suffer from.

This is how you should always picture us.
Moderately famous and good looking.

His response was not what I was expecting. He joked calling me a monster and told me to leave in his playful way. I was in no way offended by this but it wasn't the response I expected nor wanted. He was ready to move on to the next topic.

Wait wait wait just a hot strudel minute there my handsome Hansel. I'm not ready to move on to the next topic. I just told you my most crippling secret. LETS TALK ABOUT THIS. Instead of saying that I turned to my side and became very internal. My mind was running and I couldn't vocalize what I was feeling. A wave of emotion took over to the point where if I looked at him I was afraid I would start to cry.

He asked if I wanted to be left alone so that I could sleep. Hansel sincerely thought I was ready for slumber not that I was riding an emotional roller coaster. I mustered up some confidence to say that I was feeling shy and frankly weird after telling him. 

Then in a tender but very frank way he said, "Nothing has changed. You've told me before that you get sweaty. You're a sweaty girl. So now I know there is a name for it."

There you have it. Nothing has changed. The reveal that I was so ashamed of was simply a sharing moment. As it should be. 

Until of course summer rolls around and I don't want him to touch me because I'm most likely damp through my clothes. Ah! One step at a time though.

How have you told someone about HH? How did they react? 

Disney's Frozen for the Sweaty

It's screener season in Los Angeles. Friends and bosses of friends start receiving films in the mail to consider for awards season. It's a beautiful thing to watch new releases for free from the comfort of your own space. 

Last night the man friend and I watched Frozen at my request. I highly recommend this film to anyone with a soul. I'll warn the music isn't up to Disney classic standards. That said, I loved this film. My HH friends you will relate to this film.

Girl, I know that look.

I choked up when Elsa has her coronation to be queen. She wears gloves to mask her magical powers that torment her. Her hands tremble as she faces the crowd on what's supposed to be a joyous occasion. The anguish that almost paralyzes her is something we can all relate to with HH. How closely the story is tied to her hands is really something sweet for us. 

Also, Olaf is now one of my new favorite Disney characters. He gave me some hearty belly laughs. Thanks, Olaf you're the best. All things cheesy and delightful bring them my way.

More Olaf!

Although I was pumped to watch the film I wasn't the most relaxed to start. It was my last date night for a long while with man friend. We were a little frantic getting together since he completely forgot the actual date he was flying home for Christmas. He had planned for another day in LA while his plane ticket did not. So I rushed home and packed a bag to stay the night. 

I forgot to pack socks. Such an amateur move. How did I forget to pack SOCKS?! I threw on my lounge clothes and a pair of slip on shoes. It should be burned in my memory that when I lounge around I need to wear socks. This isn't a new revelation. I cannot have my feet dangling free. 

To top it off it was hot in his apartment. I immediately questioned if the heater was on. It was not. I then asked if we could open the door to let in fresh air. Fresh air was not making its way in quickly enough. Feet were dripping wet. I sat with my legs crossed hoping my pants would mop up the sweat. I became uncomfortable. I flopped around trying to find the perfect sweat wicking position. He was none the wiser of my droplets but I feared him finding out.

My body must have been radiating heat because asked if he should open a window. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES. There was a nice cross breeze that moved through the stuffy apartment. Finally, I was able to kick my legs out across the couch and focus on the film. My sweating subsided. They were still clammy but they were manageable and less embarrassing. 

When we started chatting after the film the sweating started up again. A fun reminder that I can't always have complete control. I had a similar takeaway from watching Frozen.

I'm planning to have "SOCKS" tattooed on my arm real soon. 

Death to Insecurity

Tacos, Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas, and my best friends were exactly what the soul ordered last night. 

The last day in Zion my emotions got the best of me taking me on a roller coaster of god know's what. Luckily I was able to summon my "LA Family" for a dinner to catch up. Our core group of five helps keep me grounded, provides a safe space to say what's really on my mind, and allows me to be off-the-wall silly. We were long overdue for a family dinner without lovers/significant others. 

Cozy at Russell's place with slow cooked carnitas tacos (veggie tacos for Lena) we dished, laughed, and I shared my crazy brain thoughts. It felt good to get outside of my head and say exactly what was on my mind. Side bar: Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas are stupidly delicious not to mention cheap too. Those little punches of delicious alcohol might have helped propel words out of my mouth. 

Later that night, I'm not quite sure how it came up, but we got on the topic of tarot reading. Russell has a deck handy for readings. Very eager for clarity I volunteered myself for the first reading. I meditated on my confidence. At my first therapy appointment last month I brought it up as a key concern and it shows through my blog posts.

What do I need to do to move confidently in (romantic) relationships?

Hot damn you guys. The cards knew what was up. The reading is not meant to predict the future. You can't ask the cards a yes or no question. You have to be ready to go on a journey with the cards. It confirmed my fears and gave me the confidence to move forward.

In these cards I see hope and hilarity.  No really.

The funniest moment came when Russell said, "This next card shows how you view your present state or what you think of yourself." Quickly I said, "Watch it's going to be the death card." It wasn't the death card but it was The Tower card that shows people jumping out of a burning tower. I laughed right out loud. It's true that I feel like my life is in utter chaos. Look at the picture above. You can't help but laugh at the over dramatization. 

I ended on a high note. I got the Death Card. I was alarmed at first too, but as Russ explained it's a death to a part of me. Death to my insecurity. Good things are on their way folks.
Russ continued to read my friend's cards individually. It was a great experience to help understand which each one of us is battling with. The cards really helped us put into words what we're feeling, and how we want to move forward. 

I am very energized. Have you ever had a reading? Have you had a bad reading?

My Special Skill: Vivid Dreaming

As of late my dreams have been coming to fruition or they've been a foreshadowing of something similar to come. Being a very vivid dreamer has it's hilarious moments but lately I've been a bit startled. A few dreams about work have become reality. Including people being fired and problems with my paycheck. Not exactly uplifting.

Tis the season for panicky dreams.

I stayed the night at the man friend's on Friday. It's not unusual for me to wake up in a minor panic at his place. I drool. This was different. In my dream he found out about my hyperhidrosis on the internet. Midway in I woke myself up and stared at him snoring. He was not about to pop the HH question. 

In the dream I repeatedly asked if he had found my blog and if that was what gave me away. I never found his source. He had a book in his hand, with his finger bookmarking a specific section. The book perhaps described HH and he put the puzzle together himself. He matter-of-factly asked, "Do you have hyperhidrosis?" Then proceeded to say he could find anything on the internet. A topic we've talked about in real life.

Clearly I'm still paranoid about my hyperhidrosis and frankly people finding this blog. I'm confident to say if he asked me I wouldn't panic. I have visions of the topic coming up organically. He's only grabbed for my sweaty feet once and I pulled away. There has been no reason just yet to describe HH. I am not as ashamed or nervous as I once was. It's a process coming to terms with this awkward condition. I just want to break the news as opposed to someone finding my "secret." 

I laughed when he told me people think he's weird. Maybe that was a good opportunity. You're weird? Well check this out...

My friend recently told me to look for progress, not perfection. This dream was simply a reminder that I still have a ways to go. 

How soon have you told someone about your HH?

Why Mention Hyperhidrosis on Your Online Dating Profile?

For better or worse my dating life is fueled by the internet. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Does no one in Los Angeles ask people out anymore? Wait a second. What's wrong with me? Before I tumble down that rabbit hole I want to talk about writing online dating profiles.

Even Martha is cool with online dating.

Out of pure curiosity I searched "Hyperhidrosis" on OKCupid. There weren't many profiles that mentioned it but I was a little dismayed by the ones that did. I so desperately wanted to reach out and say, "STOP. Take that off immediately!" 

I refrained as I'm not expert. Although, I have had two relationships develop from online dating and a sleuth of first and second dates. I've been around the internet block.

Always ask yourself, what would Martha do?

To Mention or Not to Mention HH?

Pro

You're being your true authentic self. While writing the perfect profile you are compelled to mention that you suffer from hyperhidrosis. Perhaps within the narrative about yourself it organically comes out. The reader has learned a new fact about you. They know what they're getting into.

Pro

You might find another person with hyperhidrosis who matches your personality. You understand each other on a sweaty level. When you go to the movies together you sit in peace knowing the other won't go for a hand grab.

Con

You sound guarded. By mentioning "my hands sweat profusely" it really reads, "I told you that I sweat. You can't judge me. You know exactly what you're signing up for." Sorry dude, you sound like you have some emotional walls to tear down and I don't know if I'm willing to help with that. 

Con

Are you over sharing? Did you mention hyperhidrosis AND how awful it can be when your underwear is soggy from merely walking around the mall? I've just blocked your profile. Everyone, no really everyone, has something their insecure about. It doesn't need to be the first thing out of our mouths.  

Con

You might find another person with hyperhidrosis who doesn't match your personality. Just because someone has hyperhidrosis doesn't mean they're your match. Hyperhidrosis has shaped my existence but I am not defined by HH. We all have values, interests, and aspirations in life. Explore those first to see if your partner is a match. 

Would I ever mention HH in my own profile? No. 

Resources for crafting an online profile:

7 tips to create an online dating profile that works
6 Online Dating Mistakes to Avoid
How To Write a Good Online Profile

I'm Hot and Uncomfortable

I started seeing someone. It feels weird to say that as we've only been on a handful of dates. "Seeing someone" sounds serious, but there is really no other way to describe what we're doing. We are seeing each other.

Now that I've written this it will fall apart quickly.

From what I can tell he's a good guy that has my sense of humor. I get a sense that I can talk to him about my hyperhidrosis when the time is right. We'll see where things go. 

I had a big confidence break through with him last night. We were in the throws of making out when I became way too hot [insert tasteless joke]. My body was becoming damp and his hands were all over me. He was more or less mopping up my perspiration with his hands. I wonder what he thought of it. I'll never know. I did know though that if we had continued for much longer beads of sweat would have trickled down. The fear of splashes on his hands came over me. 

I must not let that happen. Just yet.

I took control of the situation though. I pulled away subtly, smiled, fanned myself and said, "Hey. I'm really warm, a little sweaty, and kind of uncomfortable. I think I've hit my limit for the night." We starred at each other for a moment. "Sorry, I'm just uncomfortable. Not because of you though. I'm just warm." We starred some more. There was no judgement in his eyes thank god. 

I then diverted the conversation to when we'd see each other next. Everything was peachy king. I did not begin to sweat more out of fear. I didn't panic because I felt bad about stopping the smooches. It was what it was. I went from uncomfortable to comfortable. 

Speak up. It's OK.

Thanks Nick from New Girl for helping me tell this tale.

YouTube Find!

I did a basic search tonight on YouTube for HH. Through the power of the interweb gods I stumbled upon MelMel21's videos. A 20-something, like me, putting her voice out there.

I'm working through a post describing my experience seeing a doctor today for the first time in seven years regarding HH. SEVEN YEARS. I will be posting in the next day or two. Until then, I give you Melissa:

How awesome is that? I continue to be amazed by the strength and courage of those speaking out about HH. I also have a sense of GIRL POWER. Don't mind me I'll now be listening to Spice Girls on repeat.

Ehhh, Yea But...

WHEN I READ GOOD ADVICE  BUT KNOW IT'LL NEVER WORK WITH HYPERHIDROSIS

I had a rousing Friday night staying in doing laundry, catching up on Daily Show, and a wee bit of terrible white wine. I also dived into my new dating "handbook." Oh boy, who have I become? I don't do self help books. I know what works for me and surely no one can give someone with HH advice. Unless you have HH I don't want to hear it. As I grow older I realize this is fatally flawed thinking.

This passage really struck me:

I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to feel ashamed of... This is immensely important in the dating process because new love can resurrect our most primitive feelings of fear, hope, dependency, and emptiness. If we know how to soothe our pain and relax into our emptiness, we won't be afraid to be open and honest, regardless of the outcome.

-Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., If the Buddha Dated

The jewel of who I am?! It's cheesy but try to look beyond that. I always use sweating as a cop out. No one knows what it's like, it's disgusting and surely no one will ever accept me for it. Or I at least need time to introduce it to someone as we build our relationship. But how much time?

Starting this blog is a huge step for me in being open about HH. Reading that passage further confirmed I need to continue this journey. It will be a process becoming completely comfortable talking about it.  I have more stories to share about hiding... many more. Stay tuned and tell me about your process.