This Is Where I'm At

My brain is mush. On the upside I'm feeling stable today. The up and down swings of my moods the last few weeks have been alarming and very frustrating. I like to know I'm in control and I have not been. So many times I wanted to write and blog but couldn't focus.

My battle this past week is that I'm tired of being sane, taking the high road, and carrying myself with class. I want to go bat shit crazy on someone. Specifically I want to go crazy on Hansel (the dude I broke up with earlier this month). 

At the end of the day I have some Grade A, incredible friends who remind me that acting a fool will get me nowhere. If you don't have at least one friend that will reign you in find one immediately. At the end of the day I do not want this man. At the end of the day we broke up for a reason. Sending a crazy email about my assumptions that he is already seeing someone else will not move me in a positive direction. Instead I decided to deactivate my Facebook so I can't see what he's up to and make up story lines on his dating life. 

The energy it takes to hold your head high after rejection is hard. To keep my mind occupied I've gone out most nights of the week. I've met some new people that remind me that LA is full of interesting walks of life. I've treated myself to delicious overpriced foods. Fried brussels sprouts with goat cheese... oh my god I felt so alive eating those decadent sprouts. I've spent time getting closer to friends. With the help of fancy cocktails we've opened up about past experiences in love and life in general bringing our group closer.

Nights last week were the hardest. I spent my days running from my emotions that when it was time to rest my head and heart I just sort of broke down. Yet, despite suppressing my emotions I had severe jaw pain. My anxiety and sadness manifested through physical pain. I clenched my jaw and pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. 

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to resuming my yoga routine. After treating myself to a massage, manicure, and a stroll through my neighborhood on Friday I realized I could focus on me again. It was refreshing. Before I met Hansel I was really happy with myself, and it's good to know I can return to that.

Can you relate to any of this? Have moments of wanting to go absolutely crazy?

Go Ahead, Use Your Hands: A Review of The Boiling Crab

Busy. Busy. Busy. Do not slow down. Do not stop to think about life and decisions made. Nope. Nope. Nope.

This weekend was jam packed with activities to block my mind from coming close to thinking about the breakup. One fabulous activity I'm dying to share with you was eating at The Boiling Crab.

Yes, an eating activity. That's what I want to share most. Not the challenging hike I went on that took us on an unconventional trail. Not the amazing cocktail concoctions my friend came up with (elderflower liquor makes everything better by the way). 

Look at how much fun we're having!

The main menu draw at The Boiling Crab is ordering and raveging shellfish by the pound and you have a choice of seasonings. We went for "the whole shebang" which means they load it up with all the flavorings. Then choose your spice level. Mild please! 

The best part of eating at The Boiling Crab is you get to use your hands! I immediately thought of you my sweaty palm people. 

Out comes a plastic bag with your meal. That liquid is most definitely butter. Dive right in with your hands. Sweaty hands be damn. Hands that don't stop sweating is for once of no concern. Let your hands have some fun. Live it up having no restriction to interact with your food and share with your friends. 

I've never shelled sea creatures before. The staff was really helpful demonstrating. So pleased with our meal. Cooked and seasoned to perfection. The sausage, corn, and potatoes were also phenomenal. The cajun fries didn't wow me. I don't recommend the ranch dressing unless you're a fan of the bottle kind.

When visiting the Koreatown location keep in mind that the hour on weekends is about two hours. TWO hours. Good news is one of my favorite bars HMS Bounty is around the corner. With $7.50 premium cocktails (cheap by LA standards) we had a good time passing the time. Our bellies were primed and ready for a seafood adventure. 

Have a place like this in your town? Share in the comments. 

Eyebrow Threading: What You Should Know

My boss bullied me into getting my eyebrows threaded for the first time. She thought it would be a good pick-me-up after the breakup. I'll admit my brows are a little unruly. But in my defense thick eyebrows are in! I didn't want to lose my long hard work of more than a year ignoring eyebrow maintenance.

Threading? Come again? A nice lady (perhaps man) takes a piece of sewing thread and yanks out your eyebrow hairs. It's like waxing but with thread.

In my fantasy world, my thick eyebrows would resemble Emma Watson's.
Photo via FanPop

Did I enjoy it?
No not really. It hurt! but I did laugh along with my boss at the absurdity of what was happening. So, ok, maybe I enjoyed it a little.

What should you prepare for?
Nothing really. But a heads up for my hand sweaters, you will need your hands to hold your eyelids taught. Holding the skin taught for the person threading your eyebrows helps ensure they grab the hair. You won't need to hold the entire time but for parts of it. You can ask for a tissue while you hold your eyelids taught. Keep in mind the whole process takes about 10 minutes so if you're uncomfortable it'll be over with quickly.

It's not horrible but there is discomfort. Again, it's over in 10 minutes. Buck up and get those clean brows. 

Am I pleased with the results? Would I do it again?
Yes, the results are great. I miss my fuller brows but my face looks cleaner and my eyes bigger. I can't deny the swagger boost it gave me. I am fairly certain I will do this again despite it being uncomfortable. This particular shop was only $8 plus tip; making it a small investment.

Excuse the filter on my photo. Fluorescent lighting in the office is flattering to NO ONE.

On more thing...
No chemicals are used in the process, just a string. I didn't have any breakouts afterwards like I do with waxing. Irritation went down after a few hours. 

There are a myriad of videos on YouTube showing the process. Threading be crazy!

Hansel and I Broke Up

Hansel and I broke up. It's because I mentioned him on this blog and I told him about my hyperhidrosis that our relationship was cursed.

Just kidding. I don't believe that all. 

I need to put into words what happened. Help me clear my head. You're getting to know me through this blog, I might as well share this too. I haven't mentioned this but I'm really grateful to you all. I'm especially jazzed by the great responses on Tumblr. Hugs and thanks to you.

I won't get into the details of how he broke up with me, but I saw it coming. Compared to my last breakup this was extremely cordial. The idea that we would breakup always lingered in the back of my mind but I always chalked that up to my insecurity.

He told me he knew I was more invested than he was. That he became less invested than in the beginning. OUCH. Immediately I take his lack of investment to mean I did something to turn him off. To push him away. Maybe I did but I will never know. I'm coping with not putting the blame on myself because I shouldn't. My head knows that but my ego is still coping.

I asked what the turn was for him. He claims that he is used to being alone (I was his first relationship at 26) and that he wants to focus solely on his career in comedy. OK I guess I can respect that. He's a typical comedian... in that he's broken. He didn't lead me on to believe that the relationship could go any further. He also knew, because I'm straight forward, that he couldn't give me what I wanted-- a serious relationship. 

With getting to know him I came to realize he has a lot of work to do before he becomes secure with himself. I just thought I could come along for the ride. We have fun together and seem to have similar views of the world. Not to mention we had a solid mutual attraction to one another. As simple as that sounds it's hard to come by. At the end of the day though if you're not happy with who you are and secure with what you're doing in your life that will have some strain on your personal relationships. I was too optimistic that he could meet me at the serious relationship level down the road. 

My roommate made a simple point that I hadn't thought of. He wasn't ready to receive love. I could see him rolling his eyes to that statement. It makes sense though. If you prefer to be alone, work solely on your craft, then no matter how great the other person is you aren't in a place to accept their love.

After four months of dating I never felt comfortable calling him my boyfriend. That speaks volumes. It also sucks that in such a short time span you can become so close and attached to someone. The jokes! The snuggles! The playful fun! I'll remember it fondly but also miss how comfortable we got.
Everything makes sense logically. I can accept what he is saying. Then my heart chimes in thumping wildly with a sense of loss and my ego is broken. If only I was one thing or another this wouldn't have happened. Yesterday I would cry and impromptu moments when this thought would sweep through my brain. 

Then there is the sting of knowing that he meditated on this and knew on Saturday he would break up with me. My intuition is scary at times. I woke up that morning with the first thought in my head, "This isn't working." But I talked myself down thinking the things that needed work on were just that, things to work on, nothing to breakup over. It's eating at me to know when exactly he came to this decision to break up. Again, I'll never know. My ego hurts with that one and I have to learn to let that go. 

Let. It. Go.

The permanence is hitting me. The likelihood of seeing him again is slim. If you work or go to school with a former lover, may you be blessed with a thousand levels of patience. He asked if we could remain in contact. I told him that I couldn't imagine he would ever reach out but he was welcome to. I made very clear if he wanted us to become friends the ball is in his court to reach out. I don't really know if I want to be friends. I mostly want to talk to him about where his head is at, act more like a therapist. I'm fascinated by how he processes things.

I just checked up on a blog I used to read religiously. The writer is happily planning her wedding so I was skimming her posts begrudgingly, but then I came across a post that gave me a positive thought. The silver lining of this breakup is I will have relief from comparing my relationship with other couples. Something I know I shouldn't do but couldn't help myself from. Shut that noise OFF.

My friends keep offering wine and ice cream to help drown my woes. As if calories can help. I have been resisting. Must take advantage of this loss of appetite while I can! Friends, don't starve yourself but hey, if you happen to not want to eat that bag of chips that's not so bad. Is it? I sure as shit don't want him to run into me ten pounds heavier and in sweat pants. My god, the horror. The breakup diet is giving my face a certain glow.

Rejection blows.

I'm on Tinder as a distraction. Anyone use this absurd app? I'm so overwhelmed by how shallow it is but so satisfied with the instant gratification when someone likes you back.